Thursday, October 15, 2009
The last few weeks were pure hell. Ever since that Sunday when Bella and I almost got caught, things have not been the same. Things are always tense between us at home, and school is even fucking worse. We have every fucking class together, and the teachers were trying to be nice in the beginning by setting me next to her, but now that was a big pain in my ass.
It fucking sucks having to do Biology labs with the girl that I really want to kiss, but can't kiss because if Charlie finds out my ass is back on the street, or in jail. We were supposed to be working together, but I couldn't even look her in the eye; much less actually produce sentences. I felt really shitty about giving her the 'it's not you; it's me' speech, but telling her the truth would hurt her even more. Telling her that being with her wasn't worth risking the life that her parents were offering me. I had ended up hurting her regardless of my intentions.
In all actuality, I wanted to hug her, and kiss her, and tell her that sleeping with her wrapped in my arms was the best sleep I had gotten in most likely my whole life. I wanted to tell her that she was the main reason I no longer wanted to kill myself daily. I wanted to tell her that she had made me see that life can be worth living.
She had been distant from me too. I wasn't sure if it was in an attempt to prove a point, or if she was just done with the whole situation. Part of me thought that she had rethought everything, and discovered that I was right all along-that I wasn't worth her time and attention.
The past few weeks were making me question the thought of life being worth living. The damn near daily harrassment from Newton was getting very fucking old very fast. He had the maturity level of a five year old. If he wasn't throwing food at me in the lunch room, then he was trying to trip me in gym class. It was always some dumb shit. To try and make him look superior by making me look stupid.
What Newton didn't understand was that I didn't give a fuck what any of those kids in that school thought of me; aside from Bella. I had never had friends before, and sure as hell didn't care if I had any now. The only person I cared about wasn't speaking to me, and it had nothing to do with Newton's childhood antics. He was a fucking douche that thought he was the king of the school; when in reality he was just a fucking tool.
I still rode to and from school with Bella, which again was pretty fucking awkward, but we had to. How would she explain to her parents that she didn't want to be around me; other than making me seem like an asshole? Which would spark all kinds of other questions, and again end up with me out on the streets.
My conflicting feelings for Bella were really taking a toll on my mental state. One minute I wanted to grab her and kiss her, and the next minute I didn't even want to look at her. I always wanted to look at her, but I was so scared that I wouldn't be able to control the situation. She had some crazy effect on me emotionally that I had never felt before. I loved her and hated her at the same time. I wanted to kiss her and run away from her all at the same time.
I was thoroughly fucking confused by the whole situation.
It was just an average Tuesday afternoon ride home from school, when Bella finally spoke to me about something other than school work.
"Edward, we can't keep doing this." She stated flatly as her eyes remained focused on the road.
"I know." I completely understood. The internal battle I had been fighting was excruciating.
"We are together more than we are apart. We have to find a way to work this out."
"I know." I didn't know what else to say. I wanted to let her lead the conversation, and see what ideas she had for resolving the issue because honestly, I had none.
"Well, for starters, why are you acting like I have some contagious disease?" She sounded frustrated, but her eyes never left the road.
"Is that all you can give me? Two word answers?"
"Great!" She said sarcastically. Now, we're down to one word answers. This is pointless. I'd have better luck talking to a wall."
"What? I'm sorry. I don't know what to say. This is all new to me." I said timidly as I fidgeted with the zipper on my coat.
"I know it is, and it's all new to me too. I've never had to spend so much time with someone I like."
"You like me?" I questioned. Did she really like me? She wasn't just fucking with my head?
"Obviously, Edward. It doesn't take a genius to figure that out." She said sarcastically before releasing a giant huff.
"I didn't know. I just thought you were being nice."
"Oh, so you think I kiss, and sleep in the same bed as everyone I like?" She asked as she pulled into the driveway. The cruiser was gone which meant Chie.. Charlie wasn't home. Renee's car was gone, so that just left us.
She shut the engine off, and opened her door. After she exited the truck, she slammed the door really hard, and it shook the whole truck. I had clearly upset her with my idiotic comments. Stupid fucking word vomit.
I stepped out of the truck, and closed the door behind me. By the time I made it to the porch, she was already inside the house, and on her way up the stairs.
As I walked in the front door, I heard her slam her bedroom door.
Another great day courtesy of Edward Cullen the fuck up.
I went to my room for a while in an attempt to gather my thoughts, and figure out how the hell to fix the situation with Bella.
I laid down on the bed, and before I knew it I had drifted off to sleep. I awoke to Renee knocking on my door telling me that dinner was ready.
As I walked out of my room, I passed by Bella's, and noticed that her door was open. That meant she was either downstairs at the dinner table or she was gone. I was deciding on the first option, considering she never missed dinner.
"Hey, Edward." Charlie rang out. "How was school today?"
"Hey, Charlie. It was as good as can be expected." I responded as I pulled my chair out, and sat down across from Bella.
"That Newton boy isn't giving you anymore trouble is he?" As he passed one of the vegetable filled bowls around the table.
"No." I was lying, and he probably knew it. That Newton fucker had been fucking with me daily since he found out that I was living with the Swans. I don't know if he was jealous, or if he was just being an ass hole.
"You sure, son? I would hate to have to throw my weight around at that school to get him to act right."
He had progressively started throwing son in more and more lately. I was still shocked every time I heard it, but it was nice to hear.
"Yes, Sir. I'm sure. Thank you though." I responded while reaching for the rolls.
"Well, you just let me know if that kid needs to be reminded who is boss around this town."
I nodded to let him know I understood. Couldn't someone just change the subject already? The fact that I was being bullied at school wasn't something I wanted to dwell on.
We finished dinner in relative silence. A few times it felt like Bella kicked me underneath the table. I chose not to acknowledge it. The dinner table wasn't the place for her and I to address our issues.
After dinner was finished, and all of the dishes were washed, Bella headed up to her room. I followed shortly behind her. I was heading to my room when I heard her door open.
"Edward." She whispered.
I turned to see what she wanted. "Yes?"
"Come here." As she motioned me into her room with her hand.
I wasn't sure if it was a good idea or not, but silence was getting us nowhere. So, I went in.
"What?" I asked.
"I can't take the silence anymore, Edward." She confessed while she sat down on the edge of the bed. I choose to sit in the chair at her vanity.
"Well, what are we gonna do about it?"
"I don't know. What did you have in mind?" She had to have better ideas than me.
"I'm just gonna lay it out there. I like you. Not like I like my friends. I like you as in I want to be more. I have feelings for you." She said boldly before dropping her head, and picking at her nails.
"Really?" I was completely shocked. I really never thought anyone would like me in that way. I didn't know how to respond.
"Me too. I just don't know how to deal with everything. It's all happening so fast."
She walked over to me, and lifted up my head with her hands. "Don't worry. We will get through it together."
"You make it sound so easy, but if this all goes bad, I'm gonna be the one sent away. Not you. Your world won't be turned upside down. You will go on living a normal life as if I never existed." I let it all spill out. She needed to know how I felt, and what I had to lose.
"Edward, I know you are scared, but my dad would never send you away. He may punish you for some things, but he would never make you leave. You won't lose us." She stated in an attempt to comfort me.
"Well,l I don't really want to punished either." As much as I liked her, she really wasn't getting my point.
"Edward, I will take the blame for everything if needed. I won't let him send you away, or punish you for something I talked you into."
"What are you talking me into?" I questioned as I looked into her eyes. I wanted so badly to kiss her in that moment, but we had just started talking again. I didn't want to press my luck.
She bent down, and lightly pressed her lips against mine. My pulse began to race, and all of the blood in my body immediately went straight to my groin.
"I may have talked you into that." She replied as she pulled out of the kiss.
"That is if it's okay with you?" She questioned before running her hands through my hair. I loved it when she did that. It was so relaxing, and I always liked it when she touched me.
"Umm... yeah.... it's okay with me."
She then bent down to press her lips to mine again. Same reaction. Blood straight to the groin. Did she have any idea how hard it was for me to kiss her, and not want to rub my dick against her?
I pulled away from her. "We're pushing it. Charlie will be up here any minute, and I don't think I can handle him seeing that right now."
She pressed her forehead against mine. "You're right." She stood up, and walked over to her bed.
"Maybe I should go to my room." I suggested. Half of me was hoping she would stop me. The other half knew that going to my room alone was the right decision.
She hung her head and sighed. "Okay."
Before I exited her room, I turned to look at her, and I almost apologized for leaving. I didn't though. I knew that I would just be talked back into her room.
I shut her door behind me, and walked straight into my room. I laid on the bed for what seemed like hours willing the ridiculous erection in my pants to finally subside.
It didn't work.
The only solution was to take care of the 'problem' myself. I gathered my sleep pants and boxers before heading to the bathroom.
Once I was inside, I set my clean clothes down on the counter. I pushed the shower curtain aside, and began to run the hot water. As I waited for the water to warm, I stripped out of my clothes. Feeling the steam from the shower, I knew the water was ready. I turned on the shower head, and stepped in. The water was warm, and very relaxing. Unfortunately, it wasn't relaxing my erection.
I leaned against the cool tiles, and tried to think of anything that would distract me from my thoughts of Bella.
None of that shit worked! My erection was still as hard as ever.
I finally relented, and wrapped my hand around my dick. I stroked it lightly a few times, and I could feel myself starting to relax. As I continued to stroke the length of my erection, and ran my thumb over the head, I was picturing Bella in my head. The way she looked just after she kissed me. The way her lips felt against mine. The way her hands felt against my skin.
I was stroking myself more quickly and forcefully. I knew I was getting close to coming. I was a sixteen year old virgin. It wouldn't take too long for me to reach the brink. I pictured Bella sitting in my lap, naked, and slowly lowering herself onto my dick. With that thought, and one last stroke my body began to jerk, and my head fell back.
"Oh! I'm sorry Edward!" I heard Bella yell as she slammed the door behind her. I had been so caught up in my self pleasure that I hadn't noticed the door opening. How long had she been in here? Did she see what I was doing? I fucking hoped not.
I quickly finished my shower, and got dressed before exiting the bathroom. I walked straight to my bedroom. I didn't want to chance having to make eye contact with Bella after what had just happened.
Soon after I laid down on my bed, I was asleep. My shower activities had released a lot of pent up stress.
What the hell is that? I felt something cool against my face.
I opened my eyes to find Bella laying next to me, and lightly running her fingertips against my face.
"Hey." She said simply.
"Hey. What time is it? What are you doing in here?" I was starting to panic.
"Shhh. Calm down. It's one thirty in the morning."
She obviously had a thing for sneaking into someone's bedroom.
"Bella, do you not remember what happened last time you snuck in here?"
"It won't be like that this time. I promise." She said before leaning in to kiss my cheek. "I just wanna be here with you."
"You know I can't think when you are kissing me like that." I said as the ridiculous erection returned.
"Is that so?" She then grabbed my face, and turned it to look at her. She leaned in, and pressed her lips to mine.
I pushed her away quickly. "Bella, we can't do this tonight. Please go back to your room." I was practically begging her to leave.
Yes, I wanted her with me, and I wanted to do more than kiss. I, however, did not want to do it while her parents were sleeping next door.
"Edward, just relax." She then kissed my lips again. Her lips were so moist and soft, but I couldn't think about that. She had to get out of my room.
She then swung her left leg over my body, and straddled herself on top of me. Naturally, right over my erection. There was no way she couldn't feel it. I was a little embarrassed. Although, she had to know that it was a natural reaction.
Before I could answer, or move Bella off of me, the door swung open. My heart fucking stopped. I almost threw up, and had a heart attack at the same time.