Monday, October 19, 2009
I looked at Bella's pained face, and I felt like I was in one of those Lifetime channel movies where the beautiful girl comes in to save the broken boy with no home. Only, this wasn't a movie; this was my life and there was no saving me. These people were only attempting to help me until I turn eighteen, and then I'll be out on my ass, again.
It seemed as if everything around me was moving in slow motion. After Bella's initial outburst, I couldn't hear anything, and it seemed like it took her forever to cross the few feet of space from the door to toilet. I held the razor firmly against my wrist until she grabbed my hands and pried the razor from my grip.
I could see her face, and I could see that her mouth was moving, but I heard nothing. It was pure silence. It felt so weird. I had been busted in my suicide attempts before, but they had never been like this. I could always hear the people yelling at me and nothing was ever in slow motion. I couldn't fathom why being busted by Bella was so different. I didn't know what to make of it and frankly it scared the shit out of me.
I didn't like things being different. I had grown used to things being shitty in my life, and I could deal with it but what I can't deal with is hope and change. I couldn't afford to hope for anything.
My vision and hearing finally came back to normal as Bella released my wrists and grabbed a small towel.
“Edward, Oh my God! I can't believe you....why would you....you scared me half to death!” She exclaimed. She was talking fast and her breathing was erratic. She truly looked panicked, and I just couldn't understand why she was so upset by me. What difference would it make in her life if I died? I'm just some troubled boy her dad decided to bring home from work. I'm no one special.
She turned back to me and wrapped the towel around my wrist. I couldn't manage to produce actual words from my mouth so I just stared at her. She looked directly into my eyes as she knelt down in between my legs. Her eyes were a deep shade of brown, and I felt like I could get lost in them. I had to look away. When in the fuck did I start to notice people's eye colors?
“Edward? Are you okay? Please tell me you are okay?” She said frantically.
“Umm... yeah. I... I'm okay.” I said timidly as I looked down at the towel covering my wrist.
“Thank God.” She said as she sat back on her feet. “Please don't do that anymore. Please?” She sounded like she was pleading with me. Why would she plead with me not to kill myself? Was she just trying to be nice? She couldn't honestly be concerned about my life could she?
“W... what....why does it matter to you what I do?”
She looked hurt by my question, and I couldn't understand that either. “Edward, I don't know much about you, but I do know that you deserve more than you've been given. You are a part of this family now; whether you like it or not. I want to get to know you, and I want you around. So, please don't do this anymore.” She stood up and put her hands on my shoulders, and it made my muscles relax a bit. What in the hell is going on with me?
“I...I... can't make any promises.” I said as I looked back down to the towel.
“Well, just try. That's all I am asking. You're not alone in this anymore. You have us.”
What did that mean? I am always alone. They aren't my family. They are just some people who tried to do something nice that will ultimately blow up in their face. I don't have them. They are a family. I am a stranger. What was this girl thinking?
She put her hand under my chin and lightly lifted my head up to meet her eyes. “So, what do you say we get you bandaged up and go get you settled in your new room?” She released my chin and held out her hand.
I couldn't fucking understand this girl. What was she getting out of this? She had to be getting something. People just don't do nice things for no reason. There had to be some ulterior motive for this family. Why else would they want me here?
I placed my hand inside of hers, and she pulled on it lightly for me to stand up. I stood up, and she released my hand as she reached under the sink. She pulled out some gauze and tape and set them on the counter. I just looked at her as she confidently set up the supplies. She turned to me and unwrapped the towel from my wrist.
“We just need to run your wrist under the water for a second.” She said reassuringly as she turned the water on. She pulled on my hand, but I didn't budge.
“It won't hurt. Well, it won't hurt much. Just for a second.” She reasoned.
I didn't say anything, but I let her pull my wrist under the water. As soon as the water hit it, I felt sharp pains run through my arm and into my chest. I tried to pull back my wrist, but she wouldn't let me.
“See? It's not that bad is it?” She said in a sarcastic tone. I shook my head at her because in all actuality the pain wasn't that bad compared to some of the pain I've been in before.
She cut off the water and grabbed a fresh towel to dry off my wrist. Once it was dry, she grabbed the square gauze and placed a few on my wrist, and then secured it with the tape. I looked down at her steady hands as she worked. This girl seemed so different from other teenage girls I've met. She didn't seem superficial or ditzy. She seemed like she was a genuine person, and I had no idea what she was doing in my life.
“Good as new.” She said excitedly. “Now, let's go to your room!” She turned to the door and began to walk. I reluctantly followed behind her. She must not have known that the new room is what pushed me over the edge.
We walked into the room, and she sat down on the edge of my bed. She patted the space next to her and looked at me. I slowly walked over to her and sat down. Why did she want me to sit next to her?
“See, it's just a room Edward. It's just a small space for you to be you. Don't read into too much. Just accept it for what it is. My parent's are just trying to make you feel welcome.”
Everything she said sounded so simple, but my life is never simple. It's always complicated and painful and full of disappointment.
“Will you be okay for tonight?” She questioned.
Well, it's barely dark outside, and I've already tried to kill myself today. They rest of the night should be easy.
“Yeah.” I said softly.
“Okay, well I'm just a few feet away if you need anything. Even if you just wanna talk. Sometimes talking makes it a little better.” She said as she walked out of the door. She shut it behind her, and I just stared at the back of the door.
This whole day had been a complete mind fuck, and I was tempted to go back in the bathroom and try and find that razor. Although, Bella probably went in a cleared out all of the sharp objects.
I sat on the edge of the bed and held my wrist in my hand. I tried to take Bella's advice and just accept this for what it was; just a space.
I got up and moved the clothes off the bed. I set them in the drawers in the dresser. I noticed some jogging pants, t shirts and boxer shorts. I pulled some of them out and began to undress. I could at least try these clothes on right? They did put them in here for me after all.
I put on the new clothes and they fit perfectly. I sat back down on the bed and laid down. I needed to try and relax and let this day go before the suicide attempts started again. I just kept running Bella's thoughts through my head. “It's just a space for you to be you.” But the question is-who the hell am I? I don't even know. I'm just a kid who was dealt a fucked up hand in life.
I closed my eyes and started taking deep breaths. Not long after, I was asleep.
BEEP BEEP BEEP
What in the fuck is that noise? I shook my head trying to make the noise go away but it wasn't working. I opened my eyes and looked around the room. My eyes finally settled on a small alarm clock on the night stand. That alarm clock was making a lot of noise to be so small. When had that clock made it's way in here, and who the hell set it? I assumed that either Chief Swan or his wife had set it while they were setting up this room. I had never had an alarm clock before. I was always woken up by my foster parents barging in and turning on the lights and yelling at me to get up. The alarm clock was a nice change although, that beeping was quite annoying.
I hit the small black clock multiple times in an attempt to stop the beeping. I finally managed to stop the beeping before I broke the thing. Chief Swan or Bella would have to show me how to work this thing so I didn't have to damn near destroy it every day.
I rubbed my palms over my face and pulled the covers off of me. Having my own room with my own stuff still seemed so foreign to me. I didn't want to accept or like any of it because I knew at any given moment it could all be taken from me. If I actually accepted that these things were mine, it would hurt all that much more when I didn't have them anymore.
I walked out of the door to the room and into the hallway. I kept my eyes set on the carpeted floor beneath me as I walked towards the bathroom. I stopped in mid stride as I saw a small pair of feet with pink toenails. Bella. Everything from the day before came rushing back to me. How she had caught me with the razor and bandaged my wrist and how she had been so nice to me. I still had no idea how to act around her. I could never manage to seem to actually produce words or think clearly when she was around me.
“Good morning, Edward.” She said in a chipper voice. Are people actually happy in the morning? I've never been around anyone that wasn't hateful in the morning.
“Ummm.... Morning, Bella.” I said timidly as I kept staring at her feet. There were too many thoughts going on in my head to actually look at her face. I still got these weird feelings inside of me when she came around, and it was seriously confusing me.
“Were you going to the bathroom? If so, I can wait. You can go ahead.” Here she goes again with the niceness. She really must always be like this.
“I was but you live here. You can go first.” I replied. It was the truth, no matter how much they pretended this was their house. I was just a guest.
“Edward, it's too early to go through this again. You live here too. I told you last night, this is your home now, and we are your family. Accept it!” She said in a stern voice as she gripped my shoulders, and my muscles relaxed. How did she always make me relax?
“Now, you go ahead and do your business in the bathroom and I'll wait. No arguing. Go!” As she turned my body to the bathroom and pushed me towards it.
“Okay.” I replied. I walked into the bathroom and turned around to see her standing there smiling. I shut the door behind me and proceeded to do what she had called “my business.”
When I was finished, I went into the room and got dressed. I assumed I was going back to school today. Which was enough to make me want to attempt suicide right now instead of my usual nightly attempts. I resisted the urge. Going to school again scared the shit out of me, but the thought of being with Bella all day made me at least want to attempt it. I knew I shouldn't be looking forward to being around her all day, but I was fascinated by the way she could make my body relax by a simple touch.
I made my way down the stairs and into the kitchen where I heard everyone talking.
“Good morning, Edward.” Both Chief Swan and his wife said in unison.
“Morning.” I simply replied. I was still stunned that not only was Bella always nice and in a good mood, but it seemed like this whole family was the same way. I didn't know families were actually like this.
“Sit down. Have some breakfast.” Chief Swan's wife suggested to me as she sat down a plate in front of an open seat. I sat down and began to eat the food. Not long after, Bella came down and joined us. I wondered if she had told them about last night? Did they know that I had tried to kill myself in their home? I had on a long sleeve shirt and they couldn't see my bandage. I hoped she hadn't told them. They seemed like nice people, and I didn't want them to blame themselves. Suicide attempts are just a huge part of my life.
We finished breakfast, and Bella informed me that I was riding to school with her. It turns out that all of our classes were together which made me entirely too happy. Was I actually feeling happy about something? I had to cut it out before it settled in. I couldn't get used to feeling happy about anything.
We made it to school, and Bella took me to our first few classes and introduced me to the teachers. The classes weren't terrible, and it seemed that despite my lack of formal education, I wasn't that far behind. The day was going pretty well no one had taunted me or made jokes that I knew of. That was, until lunch. Bella instructed me to sit at her table with her friends which automatically made me uneasy. I could handle being around Bella but all of her friends was another thing.
They were all chatting about a school dance or something, and I sat there eating my pizza. Then out of nowhere I felt something hitting the back of my head repeatedly. I turned around to see what it was and saw that it was that same kid from yesterday that had hit me with the basketball, but now he was throwing tater tots at my head.
“What the fuck?” I said so lowly that I thought no one else could hear it. I was wrong. Bella heard it and turned to me.
“What is it, Edward?”
I turned back to the table. “Nothing.” I didn't want her to get involved again. I couldn't understand why this kid kept aggravating me. I didn't do anything to him and didn't even know him. Why had he picked me?
Then I felt it again, and I just sighed to myself and put my head in my hands. I really did not want to fight with this kid, but I wouldn't be able to stop myself if he kept this shit up. Then I felt Bella push her chair back and stand up. I looked at her as she stomped over to where that kid was sitting. I tried to reach for her and stop her but she was too fast. I wanted to tell her that I wasn't worth her effort. I wanted to tell her to let it go but she obviously didn't care. Maybe she just didn't like that kid.
She slammed her hands down on his table and then lifted her hand up to point at him. “Now you listen here Mike! He has done nothing to you. He just got here and it's hard enough to be the new guy without you launching stuff at his head every day. I'm telling you now, leave him alone or I will get my dad involved and make you life a living hell. Do you understand me?” She shouted.
I couldn't help but laugh to myself a little. She was so small and cute and she had morphed into a bad ass in a moment's notice. The look on that kid's face was priceless. It was like he couldn't believe that little Bella was threatening him. He looked over to me and then looked back at her and just nodded his head. What a pansy. He couldn't even muster up a response to little ole' Bella? Classic.
She walked back over to the table and sat down. She looked at me and smiled almost triumphantly, and I actually smiled back at her. I actually smiled at her. I can't even remember the last time I smiled at anything. It felt almost weird.
“He won't be bothering you anymore. Enjoy your pizza.” As she bit into her sandwich.
I couldn't fucking believe she had actually done that for me. What was wrong with this girl? Why was she so hell bent on defending me? No one had ever done any of this for me, and I was completely amazed.
Surprisingly, the rest of the day went as well as could be expected. That kid didn't even look at me in gym class, and I was thankful. I wasn't sure how much more taunting I could take in one day.
On the way home, Bella asked what type of music I liked. She said something about not making me want to endure her taste in music. Our taste in music was pretty much the same. The emo indie alternative rock music. Somehow, I just related to that type of music. Maybe because it was all about sadness and pain. Those are things I could easily relate to.
We got to the house and Bella suggested we work on our homework together. We sat at the kitchen table for the next few hours and mainly worked on our homework in silence. Every now and then she would ask a random question about me. I was a really boring person and didn't know why she would even want to know anything about me. I'm sure she had a great life before she even knew I existed, and I was destined to only ruin it.
Her mother came home and informed us that dinner would be ready shortly, and that we should clean the table and get ready to eat. I followed Bella's lead and put away our books and papers. She then went to get the utensils and plates, and I attempted to help her set the table although I had no idea how any of this was done. The only time I actually sat at the table with the other families was when they were trying to impress the social workers.
We sat down for dinner not long after Chief Swan arrived home. It was extremely weird to sit down at the table for dinner with a family that actually seemed to love each other and seemed to like me. When did I enter the fucking Twilight Zone? I felt like I was in an alternate universe.
They all ate and talked about their day and what they had planned for the weekend. Then they started with the questions about me. What were my favorite things, and what did I want to do with my life. What life? The only thing I ever thought about doing was dying. I've never had anything to live for. Favorite things? I've never even had my own things so I couldn't very well have favorites.
The questions seemed never ending, and I felt like all of the air was being sucked out of me. It felt like I couldn't breathe anymore. In the middle of the questioning, I stood up from the table and ran upstairs and into the bathroom. I instantly started rummaging through the drawers looking for the razor again. I looked under the sink and in the cabinets, but I couldn't find anything that would even break my skin. I sat down on the lid of the toilet and put my head in my hands. I tried to take deep breaths and regain some sense of composure. I was such a wreck almost wished that they had never brought me here. I wished that Chief Swan had just shot me in that store.
A few minutes later, I heard a knock on the door and my head snapped up in response. Was it Bella? I didn't want it to be her parents. I didn't want to explain all of this to them. Bella already knew, and she was much easier to be around.
“Edward, can I come in?” It was Bella. Here she was again, coming to save me. It's barely been two days and this girl has saved me more times than anyone else ever had.
She opened the door slowly and looked at me with concerned eyes. I simply stared at her as she walked over to where I was sitting.
“Are you alright?”
“Yeah, since you removed all the razors.” I replied in a sarcastic tone. I have to admit, I was pissed that she had gotten rid of them.
She chuckled a little. “Yeah, I did. I'm not sorry either. I want you around, and I don't want to worry about you every time you go in the bathroom.”
She wanted me around? Why? What possible reason could she have for wanting a loser like me around?