Sunday, October 18, 2009
“Edward, I'm sorry my parents were asking you all of those questions. They just want to get to know you. They want you as part of this family.” She sat down on the tile floor and leaned her back against the wall.
They want me as a part of this family? Why? Don't they know I'm only good at ruining things. Did they want their family to be destroyed?
“Are you alright?” She asked in a concerned tone. “You seem like you're in your own world sometimes.”
I try to stay in my own world; in my head. If I bar myself from allowing others into my own world, I can't be hurt when they reject me.
“Ye... yeah. I'm okay. Sorry.”
“It's okay. I know that this whole situation can't be easy for you, but my parents are good people. Just give them a chance.”
“I....I don't know. I don't really believe in people, anymore.” I had no reason to believe in people. All they ever do is use me and then discard me.
“I understand that, Edward. How about we get out of this bathroom, go downstairs, finish dinner, and then we can just hang out tonight?”
She wanted to hang out with me? I know she has real friends. Why would she want to spend her free time with me? It didn't make any sense. Although, the idea of being around her wasn't so bad.
“I don't know. I don't know if I can face them right now. They might start again with the questions.” I couldn't take anymore of their questions. I just wanted to sit alone and not have to think about all the horrible things that had happened in my life.
“They won't. I promise.” She said confidently as she stood up and held her hand out to me.
I reluctantly grabbed her hand, and she pulled my arm lightly. I stood up and took a deep breath as she led me out of the bathroom and down to dining room.
When we reached the dining room, Chief Swan and Renee were still seated. There was still food on everyone's plates and I couldn't understand why they hadn't finished eating while I was upstairs. They couldn't have waited on me to finish dinner? How did they know I would come back down?
“Hey Edward. Would you like to sit down and finish dinner with us?” Renee asked.
They really had waited on me. Could it be possible that Bella was right? That they did want me to be a part of this family?
“Umm... Okay.” I said timidly as I went back to my seat.
I sat down, and we finished dinner in a polite silence. There were no more questions about my life before they found me or about my feelings. I had just met these people, and it was going to take me a hell of a longer longer than a few days to open up to them.
I looked over to Bella and found that she was also looking at me. There was something different about this girl. She seemed to be caring, compassionate, and I wasn't sure why she was wasting any of those emotions on me. When our eyes met, there seemed to almost be a small spark flowing between us. I had never felt anything like that before. I wasn't sure if it was my nerves or the new environment, but I scared me a little.
Bella stood up once everyone was finished eating, and began to collect the plates and silverware. She slightly nodded her head towards me. I assumed I was supposed to help her. I stood up and began gathering the glasses and napkins from the table.
“Thank you, Edward.” Renee said as I removed the glass in front of her.
“You're welcome.” I said so lightly that I wasn't even sure if she heard me.
Once our hands were full, I followed behind Bella into the kitchen. She set the dishes into the sink and instructed me to do the same. We quietly washed the dishes, and every now and then our hands would brush against each others. I was surprised to find that the warm, tingly feeling still flowed through me when she touched me. The water didn't suppress it at all. I wasn't sure what that feeling was all about or how one slight touch from this girl could make me feel that way. I wasn't going to bring it up though. There was no way she could feel the same way about me and I didn't want to ruin what seemed to be my only friendship.
“Thanks for helping me with the dishes.” Bella said as she dried her hands.
“Oh, uhhh.... no problem. Is this how all of your dinners are?” I asked. I had never been in an environment like this before. This type of thing only happened on television. I didn't know that families actually sat down and ate dinner together.
“Most of the time, unless Dad has to work late. Even then, me and mom eat together.”
Wow. I was shocked to say the least. Maybe it was something I could get used to. I would have to if I wanted to stay here.
She walked to the refrigerator and pulled out a couple cans of soda. She turned around and handed one to me. “You still wanna hang out with me tonight?”
Was she serious? What else would I be doing? Sitting in my room alone or trying to find another way to kill myself. I was sure Bella had removed anything that would remotely help my in suicide, other than the bed sheets. She was the only person that seemed to understand that I didn't always want to talk, and she didn't feel the need to fill the silence with non sense chatter.
“Yeah.” I said lowly as I looked down at my feet.
“Great! Let's go upstairs that way we won't be bothered by my parents.” She said as she bounced out of the kitchen.
I followed her to the stairs, and when we made it to the top, she stopped and looked at me. “You wanna go to your room or mine?”
“Umm.... it doesn't matter to me.” I didn't know what she wanted to do. My company could be that entertaining to her. I wasn't the greatest conversationalist. I had basically kept to myself most of my life, and I've never really been able to open up to people.
“Well let's go to my room then. We can watch some movies.” She turned towards her room and opened the door. I hadn't been in her room yet. I had no reason to go in there before now.
She flicked on the lights, and I saw her room for the first time. She had a twin size bed with purple blankets on top. She had pictures of her and what I assumed where her friends plastered all over the walls and shelves. There was a bookshelf in the far corner that was filled with books. In front of the bed was a small entertainment center that held a TV and a DVD player. She had lots of movies lined up on the rack at the bottom.
“So what do you wanna start with?” She asked as she held up two movies.
“What are my choices?” Not like I had any preference or an opinion for that matter. I hadn't been allowed to watch much TV or movies in the past, so anything was new to me.
“Well, we can do comedy or action.” She held out her left hand. “This one is Superbad. It's really funny.” Then she held out her right hand. “This is Troy. It's really long, but it's good too.”
I had heard of those movies but hadn't seen either one. I didn't know which one to pick, but I thought it may be easier for us to just hang out if we were laughing. Maybe then she wouldn't notice how uninteresting I really was.
“Great choice! Superbad it is!” As she turned around and placed the disc in the DVD player. She walked over and turned off the lights but left the door open. “You don't mind do you? It's just better to watch when the lights are out.”
“Uhhh no. Not at all.”
She walked over and sat on the bed leaning back against the headboard. I stood there looking like an idiot. I wasn't sure where she wanted me to sit, and I didn't just want to hop on her bed.
I sat down on the floor and leaned back against the foot board.
I jumped at the sound of her voice. Uh oh. What did I do wrong? Fuck this was over before it got started.
“You can sit up here if you want to. The floor will make your butt hurt.”
This was all new territory for me the tingly feeling, sitting on a girls bed with her, someone actually wanting to hang around me.
I stood up, walked over to the bed ,and sat down next to her. My fucking heart was racing out of control. My body was having all kinds of weird reactions to her, and I didn't know how to deal with any of them.
The movie started, and we sat in silence. The movie started out pretty funny. It was about a group of high school nerds that try to get laid before they graduate. Bella and I were laughing so hard when the kid with the fake ID got knocked out, and the cops showed up.
I couldn't help but occasionally glance at her out of the corner of my eye. There was just something about her that made me relax, and that drew me to her. I didn't understand anything anymore. I liked it better when my biggest worry of the day was how to kill myself. Now I'm dealing with feelings and shit that I thought I'd never have to deal with again.
Once the movie was over, I got up to go to the bathroom. I had been holding it, so I could see how the movie ended.
I came back into her room and noticed that she had turned the lights back on. I sat back down on the bed and fidgeted with the hem of my shirt.
“I can go back to my room if you want. You don't have to keep hanging out with me if you don't want.”
She looked at me confused. “What?”
I was trying to give her an easy out. “Well, I....I just mean....you probably have other things to do than sit around with me.”
“I like hanging out with you. You aren't like everyone else I know. I wanna get to know you better.”
I don't think I had ever heard any of those words directed towards me. Why would she want to get to know a kid like me?
“But if you don't wanna hang with me anymore, you don't have to.” It sounded almost as if she was hurt.
Now I've fucking hurt the feelings of the one person that may actually like me. Fuck my life. I can't do anything right. I didn't know what to say to her, but I knew I didn't want her to think she had done anything wrong. Couldn't she see how big of a fuck up I was?
“No, Bella. It's not that. I like being with you too. I just don't wanna burden you.”
She turned towards me and sat indian style. “Good and you are not a burden on me.”
I was startled when I heard someone knock on the door even though it wasn't closed.
“What are you kids up to?” I heard Chief Swan ask as I turned to look at the door way.
“Hey Dad. We are just watching some movies and talking.”
“Having fun?” He asked.
“Yeah we are.” She responded.
Chief Swan looked at me. “What about you, Edward?”
Since when was anyone concerned with me having fun?
“Yeah, I am. Thanks.” I responded simply.
“Great. Well, your mother and I are off to bed. Don't stay up too late.” As he turned to walk down the hall way.
“Good night, Dad.” Bella said.
I turned back to look at her. She was sitting there in a pair of jeans and t shirt with a huge grin on her face.
“So, where were we?” She asked.
“Uhhh.... I don't know.”
“Oh right! We established that we like being around each other.”
She was right and that was odd for me. I usually didn't like to be around anyone.
“Right. I wanted to tell you..... ummm.... thanks for helping me at school. I'm not sure I could have made it through those couple days with out you.”
“It's no problem. I always stand up for the people I like.” She said in a matter of fact tone.
Did she just say she liked me? I must have heard that wrong. I sat there almost stunned.
“I uhhh..... I like you too.” I said so low that it was almost inaudible.
She reached out her hand and grabbed mine. There was that feeling again. What was going on? How does she continue to make me feel like this?
“Edward, I wanna ask you something. I don't want you to think I'm crazy. Okay?” She sounded unsure of herself and that wasn't like her. All of the time I had been around her she was so confident and strong. What could have her questioning herself?
“You don't want me to think you're crazy? Do you realize who you're talking to? I am the kid that attempts suicide daily. You do remember that right?” I said sarcastically.
She giggled and swatted at my arm with her free hand. “I'm serious. Don't make me laugh right now.”
This must be serious. “Okay. Sorry.”
“I don't really know how to ask this. So, here it is. Do you feel anything when I touch you?” She looked down at our hands.
Really? So, did this mean that she was feeling that tingling too? I had thought it was just me. She couldn't possibly feel it. I didn't know how to respond. If I tell her the truth she would eventually be freaked out and want nothing to do with me. If I lie to her I may never have a chance to tell her the truth. Is it worth it? Should I attempt to open up and let someone in? She seems like a good person. Maybe she wouldn't hurt me or reject me.
“You don't feel anything do you?” As she tried to pull her hand away.
Fuck. I had taken too long to answer her and now she thought I didn't feel anything. I knew then what I had to do.
I held her hand tightly. “I'm sorry. Yes, I feel something.”
I felt her relax and she looked up to my face. “Really?”
I nodded my head. She looked into my eyes for a few moments before she spoke. “Is it like a tingling warm feeling?”
“Thank God. I thought it was just me.” She confessed as she let out a deep breath.
“No. I've felt it too. I've never felt anything like it before, and I thought something was wrong with me.”
What had happened to me? I was telling this girl all of my feelings. I couldn't help the feeling that it was going to blow up in my face.
“Nothing is wrong with you. It's new to me too.”
“What does it mean?” I asked. She had to have more of an idea than I did.
“I'm not really sure. I do know that I like being around you, and I don't want anything bad to happen to you. That's why I hid all of the razors. I don't want you to try and kill yourself anymore.”
I was shocked. Could she be serious? Did she really feel that way towards me? I seriously hoped this wasn't just some game to her.
“I like being around you too. I like how I feel when I'm with you. You're different from the other people I've met.” I confessed to her.
There had never been one person since my parents died that were truly interested in me as a person. No one had defended me like she had. No one had saved me as many times as she had. No one had really cared whether I lived or died.
We sat in silence for a few minutes. Our hands were still clutched together, and I couldn't help but stare in her eyes. You could see all of her emotions through her eyes. My body was still humming with the feelings she had awoken inside of me. I felt like my body was betraying me. Hormones and feelings were flowing through me that I hadn't known existed.
She brought her free hand up and ran it through my hair. It felt surprisingly good, and I leaned my face into the palm of her hand. I closed my eyes and felt the warmth spread through my face. I opened my eyes to see her looking at me. She licked her lips and started to lean in towards me.
What the hell was she doing? Was she going to kiss me? She couldn't.
She was within mere inches of my face and she closed her eyes. Her lips reached mine and she pressed them lightly against mine. I was completely shocked, but I liked it. I closed my eyes and tried to relax. The kiss was nice, and it only intensified the tingly feeling. She pulled back after a minute and just smiled at me.
I had no idea what that kiss meant or what was going to happen after. I liked it, and I liked Bella but what exactly did that mean? Nothing in my life works out the way I want it to and this probably wouldn't be different.