Just a little video I made (by accident) and forgot to post.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Thank you guys so much for voting for Today in the Lyrical Melodrama Story Contest. Today tied with Lips of an Angel by Jennmc75. I am extremely honored to have tied with her considering she is one of my favorite writers and she is very talented.
Thanks again to everyone that has supported this story. The new chapter udates should be posted very soon.
Thanks again to everyone that has supported this story. The new chapter udates should be posted very soon.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Day I've ever kown
Can't live for tomorrow
Tomorrow's much too long
I'll burn my eyes out
Before I get out
I wanted more
Than life could ever grant me
Bored by the chore
Of saving face
Today is the greatest
Day I have ever known
Cant wait for tomorrow
I might not have that long
I'll tear my heart out
Before I get out
Pink ribbon scars
That never forget
I've tried so hard
To cleanse these regrets
My angel wings
Were bruised and restrained
My belly stings
The greatest day
That I have ever known
I want to turn you on
I want to turn you round
I want to turn you on
I want to turn you
Today is the greatest
Today is the greatest day
Today is the greatest day
That I have ever known
"Today" is a song by American alternative rock band The Smashing Pumpkins, written by lead vocalist and guitarist Billy Corgan. The song, though seemingly upbeat, contains dark lyrics. Corgan wrote the song about a day in which he was having suicidal thoughts, exemplified by the reference to self-mutilation in the chorus. However, the contrast between the grim subject matter of the song and the soft instrumental part during the verses, coupled with use of irony in the lyrics, left many listeners unaware of the song's tale of depression and desperation.
(Courtesy of Wikipedia)
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
I lifted the flat head screw driver that I was holding in my right hand. I placed the tip of the screw driver into the key hole on the dead bolt lock. I switched hands to hold the rubber grip of the tool with my left hand. I grabbed the hammer from the waistband of my jeans with my free hand. I took one last look around the dark street for anyone that may be able to see me. Who was I kidding? It's one o'clock in the morning on a Wednesday in Forks Washington; no one is awake, much less standing in front of the only pawn shop in town.
I looked back at the locked door and pulled my right hand back. I hit the end of the screw driver with the hammer using all of my force. I repeated this about five times before finally realizing that it was useless. I have no idea of how to break into a store. I don't usually break into places. I usually just take shit that is out in the open. Fuck! I have to get in this damn place.
I lowered the tools in my hands and looked around. The shop looked like it had been a house before it was turned into a business. There were windows on both sides of the door. The owners obviously believed their business was safe in this small ass town. They didn't even put bars over the windows. The glass couldn't be too hard to break.
I walked to the right of the door to the window. I raised the hammer in my right hand and pulled it back with all of my strength. I swung the hammer into the window, and it immediately shattered into a million tiny shards. I covered my face with my left arm as the glass broke. I looked down at my feet and saw all of the broken glass. The glass window was now as broken as I feel. I saw bits and pieces of my reflection in the shards. Was this how I looked to people? Do they see how broken I am? Hell, do people even see me at all?
I shook my head in an attempt to clear my mind. I had something to accomplish here tonight, and I had no time to have a pity party.
I wrapped the sleeve of my jacket around my hand as I knocked loose a few more pieces of the glass. Once the hole was big enough for me to fit in, I climbed through starting with my left leg. As the rest of my body made it through the broken window, I noticed that there was no alarm going off. Honestly, I had expected for the sirens to sound, and for me to have to hurry , grab what I was looking for, and run out before the sheriff showed up to arrest me. I had planned to be in and out in no more than two or three minutes. I would be long gone before anyone showed up.
Since there were no sirens ringing, I decided not to rush so much. I would take a few moments longer and choose the perfect one. I looked around the pawn shop. I knew it was stupid to break into a business that I had never been in before, but I was running out of options. As I scanned the room, I noticed the case holding the items I needed was just to my right. I walked over to the case and scanned the small selection. Apparently, no one in this town uses hand guns; all they have are hunting rifles. I'm not trying to blow my head into a million pieces; I'm just trying to kill myself.
I found a small nine millimeter handgun that I'm sure would do just the trick if I placed it at my temple or in my mouth. This had to work. I had to succeed this time. I couldn't take any more failed attempts.
I again raised the hammer and shattered the glass of the case and pulled out the gun. I held it in my hands and eyed it like it was a small fortune. The metal was cool against my hands and the barrel of the gun was smooth. The grip was full of ridges. I wrapped my fingers around the grip and felt the power that I now held in my hands. All I needed was a bullet, and I would be ready.
I jumped over the glass case and scanned the drawers and shelves for bullets. They had to have them somewhere. Finally, I found a box of nine millimeter bullets on the bottom shelf. I grabbed a couple and shoved them into my pockets. Not sure why I would need more than one. I would either be dead after the first shot or I'd be a vegetable. Either way, there would be no second shot.
I stood behind the glass case and again, marveled at the deathly weapon in my hand. I was like a child
mesmerized by a new toy. I don't know if I was so engulfed in my own world or just chose not to hear it, but suddenly I could hear the police sirens heading towards me.
I panicked. My breathing was irregular, my pulse was out of control, and my mind couldn't focus. Being arrested was not part of my plan for this night. I shoved the gun into my coat pocket and ran towards the back of the store. There had to be a door back there somewhere. I made my way around all of the boxes on the floor and through all of the doors to the back of the store. I finally saw the back door, and I ran like hell towards it. I was almost out of there.
Before I could flip the lock on the door and open it, I heard a loud voice yelling behind me. “Freeze! Put your hands in the air!”
I continued to try and open the door but the damn lock wouldn't turn. I head the voice again. “I said freeze! Put your hands in the air!”
When I continued to fuck with the lock and disobey the orders, I heard the distinct sound of a gun firing. I felt the bullet whiz by my head and hit the wood of the door just to the right of my head. Just a few inches closer, and he would've hit my head. I wouldn't have to kill myself; he would have done it for me. No such luck.
“God damn it, kid! I said freeze! Don't make me shoot you!” The voice was even louder this time.
I stood there frozen from the shock that there had been an actual bullet fired towards my head. I was prepared to shoot myself ,but I wasn't prepared for someone else to shoot at me.
“Down on the ground! Hands behind your head!”
I contemplated trying to unlock the door, just to see if he would shoot at me again. Apparently, I hesitated too long because before I knew it I felt two hands grab my hands and pull them behind my back. Within the blink of an eye, I was on my knees with my hands cuffed behind me and staring at the door.
“Damn it, kid. You almost made me shoot you. What the hell are you doing breaking in here?” The officer questioned.
I didn't want to answer; not out of fear of being arrested, but I was stunned into submission. I couldn't believe that I was being arrested. Now, my last resort was fucked. They would send me to juvenile and I would be forced to tell my story. The only chance I would have to end my life would be hanging myself. I needed something quicker and more fool proof. None of that other shit ever worked.
“Stand up.” He commanded, and he pulled me to my feet. He patted me down and removed the gun and bullets from my pockets along with my wallet. Of course, there was nothing in my wallet other than my ID. I had no money.
“What's your name,son?”
He had my wallet; could he not read what my name was? Why the fuck is he asking dumb ass questions? Just take me to jail and call my most recent foster parents. They can tell you to fuck off and call child services. They definitely wouldn't want me to live with them after this.
“Edward Cullen, is it? Let's go.” He said as he grabbed the cuffs and spun me around. He forcefully pushed me to walk towards the front door. My mind was blank as I walked out of the store. I was a lifeless zombie. Maybe, I would be better off in juvenile. They couldn't reject me there.
He opened the back door of the sheriff's cruiser and pushed me inside. I sat down, and he closed the door behind me. I looked straight ahead at the back of the seat in front of me. I could over hear the officers discussing what had happened.
“He won't say anything. His ID says he's only sixteen. Why did he break in the shop and try to steal a gun and bullets? I can't help him if he doesn't talk to me.”
After a while, the officer got into the cruiser and started the engine. He slowly pulled out of the small parking lot and started the drive to the station.
“So, Edward, I know you don't want to talk to me, but if you would just tell me what's going on, and what made you want to break into that store tonight, I may be able to help you.” He sounded sincere. I just had no idea why he would want to help me. He had no idea who I was or what I had been through. I never trust anyone, and I don't know what made him think that he would be the one I decide to trust. He was a cop, no one trusted cops.
The rest of the ride to the station was silent. I had no desire or will to speak. Telling my sob story wouldn't get me anywhere. I would just be quiet and let them send me away. No one would miss me or even care. It would be the best thing for everyone. None of the fake ass foster parents would have to tolerate me in order to get the monthly check that came along with me. The check was the only reason any one even pretended to want me.
Once we reached the station, the officer exited the car and walked around to let me out of the car. He opened the door, and I turned in the seat to let my legs hang out of the door. I stood up when my feet were firmly on the ground. He grabbed the cuffs and began leading me towards the entrance. He wasn't rough or forceful, he was simply guiding me.
We entered the small sheriff's station, and the entire place was empty except for one other officer sitting the far left corner sitting a desk.
“Hey, Charlie, what ya got tonight?” The officer said without looking up from his desk.
“Not much. Just a break in.” The officer said that was holding the cuffs. We reached a small office, he opened the door, and we walked inside. “Have a seat right there.” He said pointing towards the chair in front of the desk. I sat down and glanced around the office. I noticed a few plaques and framed pictures scattered on the otherwise bare walls. The officer sat down in the leather chair behind the desk and removed his hat. He ran his hand through his hair and leaned back in the chair.
He looked at me with what seemed to be concern. I had expected to see a lot of things in his eyes but concern wasn't one of them.
“Let's start again, shall we? My name is Chief Swan, but you can call me Charlie.” He took a deep breath before continuing. “Edward, we can do this one of two ways.” He began as he leaned forward in the chair and placed his hands on the desk. I took a deep breath and shifted in the chair. These damn cuffs were really starting to fuck with the blood flow to my hands. I couldn't get comfortable in this chair when my hands were cuffed behind me.
“Are you okay? Are the cuffs too tight?” He questioned. I again, didn't answer. I just continued to shift around in the chair. He sighed and stood up from the chair. He walked over to me and pushed me to lean forward. I felt his hands in between my wrists as he unlocked the cuffs. I brought my hands around to my chest and rubbed the pink ribbon, raised scars on my wrists. I leaned back into the chair and looked up at the officer as he sat back down in his chair.
“Thank you.” I mumbled almost too low to be heard. I didn't know why he chose to take off the cuffs when I hadn't given him even one word in response to his questions. His expression seemed to lighten up after I had spoken to him.
“So you can talk! I was beginning to think you were mute.” He joked as he placed the cuffs on the top of his desk. “And you're welcome.”
I continued to rub my wrists as he looked down at my wallet. “So, back to what I was saying. One of two ways. You can either answer my questions, or you can ignore them, and refuse my help.”
He looked to me for an answer. I could have at least nodded in response to him, but I didn't. I didn't know what type of questions he wanted me to answer. I wasn't up for going into my life story tonight.
“Let's try this, what is your address? Is the address on your ID correct?”
I hesitated for a minute. “Ye...Yes.” I replied. “For the time being, it is.” Who knew how long I would be there with that family? If I had to guess, this would be the last night I could consider that my address.
“Okay. What are your parent's names?”
Seriously? I don't fucking have parents. I have greedy liars that only care about a check.
“Come on. I need to know who to call. Who will I call to pick you up?” I could tell he was getting frustrated, but I couldn't help it.
“I....” I began. I looked down at my hands. “I don't have parents.”
The room was silent for a few moments. He hadn't been expecting that answer.
“Well according to your ID you are only sixteen. Who do you live with?” I could hear the concern was back in his voice.
“Foster family.” I replied simply. In all honesty, who cared about their names? Once they got a few checks they would send me back just like the rest of the families. No one wanted such a damaged kid in their house. Once they caught me attempting suicide, they would realize the money wasn't worth the trouble, and I'd be lost again.
“Alright, well what are their names?”
Can't you look it up in the computers or something? I haven't been there long and after being shipped around from family to family, I don't really bother to memorize names. “I don't really remember.”
He turned towards the computer sitting on his desk and began to type. I assumed he was searching the address to find out who my current foster parents were. These questions only made me think of my parents. I hadn't really known them. I was only two years old when they died. I didn't want to think about them. My life has been shit ever since their death, and I no longer cared to try and remember them. It wouldn't help my life now. They were gone. They were dead, and I'm still here. Still here living this pointless life. The only people that cared about me were dead. They should have let me die when they died. I still didn't understand why I was the one that was rescued and not them.
“Okay, Edward. I pulled up your file in the system. You seem to be a good kid. There's not really anything on your record, as I'm sure you are aware. It just shows that for most of your life you have been shipped around to different foster families. Did your current foster family do something to you to make you want to break into the pawn shop?” He said as he stopped typing and looked at me.
Did this family do something? Not necessarily. Had the other families done something? Yes. They used me for a check, and then sent me away when I didn't fit into the mold they had planned for me. I have no true family. I am all alone in this world. My life isn't worth having. That's why I broke into the store. “No.”
“Well, son, something happened to make you do this? I know your life has been rough, and you've probably endured more pain than any sixteen year old should have to. I may be able to help you, if you will just talk to me. Tell me what is going on with you. Please.”
I still couldn't understand why he was so interested in helping me. I wasn't worth anyone's time, care or concern. Why couldn't he just send me away and forget I ever existed? It would be much easier if he would just send me away like everyone else.
“Do you want to go back to this foster family?”
I continued to fidget with my hands. How the fuck do I answer that? I don't want to go to anymore foster families. I just want to die. I have no way to survive on my own, and I don't want to live with anyone else. I just want to die and join my parents in heaven. This world sucks, and I don't want to be here anymore. Why couldn't you have just shot me in the store? “No.”
“Sit tight. I have to make a call, and I will be right back. Do you want a soda or something?” He asked as he stood up from his chair.
I nodded in response to him. He walked out of the door and I slumped down farther into the chair. I didn't understand why he was dragging this out. Either call the foster family, or put me in a cell. Don't keep torturing me with these questions about my past. I rubbed my palms across my face. This night was worse than I had imagined. I should be lying dead in a pool of blood in an alley somewhere. I couldn't do anything right. I couldn't even manage to kill myself. I had tried to kill myself by slicing my wrists open more times than I can count, swallowing sleeping pills, hanging myself. I had even tried to drown myself. I had failed at all of those attempts. Shooting myself was my last resort. Somehow, I managed to even fuck that up.
He came back in the room just a few moments later with a canned soda. He held it in front of me; waiting on me to take it. I reached out and grasped the cold can in my hand. “Thank you.” I said lowly.
“You're welcome. I will be back shortly.” He said as he walked out of the door and shut it behind him.
I sat in the chair and drank the soda. I tried not to think anymore. My mind was already tired from all the questions he had been asking, and I had been avoiding. He had my file in front of him. I was sure he read that my parents had burned to death in a house fire. I still don't really know what happened that night. I was so young, and the only other people in the house had died. According to the stories I had been told, the fire started in the chimney and quickly spread through house. We had all been asleep. My parent's room was so close to the chimney that their room was the first to catch fire. They never stood a chance to get out. By the time the fire fighters had arrived, the house was pretty much consumed. My room was on the opposite end of the house, and they managed to pull me out of my bedroom window. They should have just let me burn up with my parents. What good had come of them saving me? None. I wasn't serving any purpose here. I wasn't contributing anything to the world.
About twenty minutes later, he came back in the office. He sat across the desk from me and clasped his hands together on top of the desk. He took a deep breath before he spoke.
“Edward, you know I read over your file. I know what happened and I know why you are in foster care. You don't deserve to be shipped around like that. No child does. From the looks of things, you were never given a real chance to succeed and have a real life. You deserve that chance. This may be too late but I have a proposition for you.” He paused for a few moments.
What kind of proposition could he have for me? Jail or more shitty foster families? I couldn't even fathom that anything good could come from this situation.
“I spoke with my wife. If you are willing, we would like for you to come and live with us.”
I stopped breathing for a second. Why would he want me to live with him? Does he hate his home life that bad that he wants to bring in a foster kid that just broke into a store? What the fuck was wrong with this guy?
I had to think for a few minutes. I could either go to juvenile, which would be worse than foster families. I could go back to the shitty foster family. Hell, that was even if they would take me anymore. I wasn't sure how much more I could take of that family anyway. I could go home with this guy that seemed sincere enough and attempt to have a somewhat decent existence. I couldn't help but wonder if I chose to live with this guy, how long would it last? How long would it be before he would get rid of me too?
“So, what do you think? Is this something you would even be interested in?”
Fuck if I know. I hadn't been interested in anything for a while now. My whole life recently had been consumed with coming up with ways to kill myself. Now, someone was asking what I thought? What I wanted? No one had ever given a shit about my opinions or wants. I had always been told what to do. I wasn't sure how to make such a big decision. I had been so used to blaming everyone else for my shitty life that I didn't want to take the chance and have to blame myself when it failed.
“I know this may be too big of a decision to ask you to make right now. I see that your file says you have some mental health issues, and that they have prescribed you medications for it. I don't know much about mental health, and I don't know if your foster families even give you the meds to take. I think we need to get you to a new doctor to evaluate your current medications. Like I said, I don't know everything, but we are willing to accept you as you are and not judge you or send you away.”
I hadn't been taking the medications. My life already sucked ,and I didn't want to pop pills just so I wouldn't freak out. I had been through more psychology assessments than I could count. They always diagnosed me with some depressive disorder that I never cared about enough to learn the name of. The name of it didn't matter. My life was shit, and I wanted it to end; that is all that matters.
“What do you say?” He asked again.
I knew I should at least say something, but my brain couldn't process everything. What did I want? I didn't have the first fucking clue other than getting that gun back and shooting myself with it. Which option was the lesser evil? Which option would make my life suck less?
“Umm....” I began as I picked at my hands. “I … guess.... I could.... try.”
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
The decision to stay with Chief Swan was not an easy one. He seemed like a decent guy. Of course, the only reference I have for judgment are the asshole foster parents that have dumped me over the years. Chief Swan and his family couldn't be all that bad, could they? His wife obviously had to love and trust him very much in order to agree to take in a kid he had just busted for breaking into a pawn shop.
I wanted to be optimistic about my new 'family' but I gave up optimism years ago. There wasn't anything in my life to be optimistic about. The best thing I had hoped for in the past few years was that my next suicide attempt would be successful. How fucked up is that?
“I know it's late so, we will wait until tomorrow to pick up your things from your previous residence. Unless there is something you need tonight? I'm sure I have some sweats that will fit you for tonight.”
Honestly, everything I owned could fit into a duffel bag. Did he really think I was that attached to any of it? Over the years all of my pictures and keepsakes that had survived the fire had been taken away by former foster parents; the rest of it could burn to ashes for all I cared. I try to remember my parents' faces; hoping it will bring me some kind of comfort but the memory of their faces fades every day.
“I don't really need any of it. It's fine.” I said flatly.
I didn't want to go back to that house. I didn't want to hear what they would have to say to Chief Swan about me. They would probably tell him horrible things to make him not want me, and they could have me back. All they want is the damn check that's attached to my ass. These scumbag families only see dollar signs on my forehead; they don't actually see me as a person.
We were in the cruiser on the way to his house. I was extremely nervous about this whole situation. I've never been a model citizen and living with a cop scared the shit out of me. He obviously knew I was a fuck up; he did just bust me for breaking and entering. Maybe he didn't give a shit.
“My wife's name is Renee, and I have a sixteen year old daughter named Bella. Well, it's technically Isabella, but if you call her that she's liable to rip your head off. She's a good kid. She just cares too much about people sometimes.”
I was really starting to wonder why in the fuck this guy wanted me to live with him and his family. He has a daughter my age in his house? Why in the hell would he bring home a delinquent to live in the same house as his daughter? Is he asking for trouble? I wouldn't bring home a kid like me if I was in his shoes.
“Edward? Are you alright?”
I had gotten completely caught up in my own thoughts. “Ye....yeah. I'm okay.” I said as I stared out the window of the cruiser at the passing trees. I glanced at the clock and noticed that it was already three in the morning.
“You won't meet Bella until she wakes up for school. Renee said she would be waiting up for us. Don't be nervous. Just relax, and we will work everything out.” He said in a fatherly tone.
I replied with a nod. I wasn't sure what to say so I opted for silence. The rest of the ride was uneventful.
When we arrived at his house, I removed the seat belt and opened the door of the cruiser. My heart was beating fiercely like it was about to bust out of my chest. I had no idea why I was so nervous this time. I've been through this process plenty of times before. This time seemed different though, and I couldn't pinpoint just why...yet.
Chief Swan exited the cruiser and walked around to the front of the car. I slowly walked to the front of the car to meet him. He patted me on my back and said “They won't bite. I promise.”
We walked into the house and there was a tall, thin lady sitting in the illuminated living room to the right. She stood up as soon as she saw us and walked over.
“Renee, this is Edward.” He said as he pointed towards me. “Edward, this is my wife Renee.”
She extended her hand to me. “It's very nice to meet you, Edward.” She said with a smile on her face.
I looked at her hand for a second and decided that it would be rude for me to ignore her greeting, and I wanted to attempt to start this on the right foot.
I extended my hand to meet hers. I grasped her hand in mine, and she shook it eagerly. “It's nice to meet you, too.” She released my hand from her grip.
“Well, Edward, I'm sure you are exhausted. Your room is upstairs and the second door on the right. The bathroom is the first door to the right. Go ahead and take a shower. The towels and washcloths are in the cabinet. We will get you something to sleep in and take care of everything else in the morning.” Renee explained as she pointed to the upstairs.
“Um... okay. Thanks.” I said timidly. I turned to walk towards the stairs.
“Oh” Charlie started. “The door on the left at the top of the stairs is Bella's. Try not to make too much noise and lock the bathroom door while you're in there. I don't want her to be freaked out if she wakes up and finds a stranger in the house.”
Why should I care if his daughter is woken up by me taking a shower? I had given up caring about anyone else or their feelings a long time ago. The few people I cared about when I was younger all discarded me like trash. Caring for others only ended in hurt and sorrow, and God knows I have enough of that for the entire world.
“Okay.” I said as I started to walk up the stairs. I walked straight to the first door on the right which I was told was the bathroom. I opened the door and flicked on the light. It was entirely too bright and girly in there for me, but I would have to endure it for the time being. What choice did I have?
I removed my coat and laid it across the vanity. I looked in the mirror at my reflection, and I didn't like anything I saw in the mirror. My hair was a greasy fucking mess. There were huge black circles under my bloodshot eyes. My cheeks were sunken in. My skin was pale. I didn't look healthy at all but then again, I wasn't healthy. I forgot to eat most of the time. I usually only ate when I was basically forced.
I rubbed my hands over my face in an attempt to erase what I had just seen in the mirror. I found the towels and started the shower. I stood under the spray for what seemed like an eternity. I was trying to put my head around everything that had happened in the last few hours. This wasn't at all how I pictured this night to end; I was supposed to be dead by now. I was trying to keep my usual shower and bathroom thoughts at bay. It wasn't working.
Every time I'm in a bathroom I look for some type of razor. No matter what happens my thoughts always go back to ending my life. All of the other foster homes had been warned to keep any sharp objects locked away.
I exited the shower and toweled off. I ran my hand through my hair and tried to fight the urge to shuffle through the drawers. The internal battle didn't last long and the urge to look for razors ultimately won. I slowly and quietly opened the drawers one by one until I came across the pink Lady Bic shaving razor. I froze and stared at it for a few seconds; contemplating whether or not to actually grab it.
I reached for the razor and grasped it tightly. I lifted it up and out of the drawer. Something kept telling me to drop it; to at least give this one night before I start the suicide attempts. In all actuality, I already had one failed suicide attempt tonight. I put the razor back in the drawer and quickly put my clothes back on.
I exited the bathroom as fast as I could. I needed to get out that bathroom while I still had the will power.
I opened the door next to the bathroom. I flicked on the light and noticed a pair of gray sweatpants and a t shirt folded neatly on the bed. I changed my clothes and turned off the light. I laid in the bed and willed myself to stop all the thoughts and emotions running rampant in my mind. I needed to at least try and get a few hours of sleep. God knows what these people have in store for me tomorrow.
I stretched my arms above my head. I looked over at the clock beside the bed. It was ten in the morning. Surprisingly, I had gotten more sleep than usual. I changed clothes back into the clothes from yesterday. I didn't want to walk around in his clothes all day, and the dirty clothes were the only ones I had.
I made the bed and folded the clothes. I walked down stairs and heard the TV in the living room. I walked in and noticed Chief Swan sitting in the recliner in regular clothes. He wasn't in his uniform so I assumed he was off duty for the day.
“Oh! You snuck up on me there.” He said as he held a hand over his chest. “Morning. How are you?”
“I'm sorry.” I said lowly. “I didn't mean to.” I looked down at my feet.
“No need for apologies. Do you want some breakfast? Renee left you some in the microwave.”
Saving food for me was supposed to make me feel like this house would be different? All families start out nice, but that disappears quickly.
“I am a little hungry.” Who the hell was I kidding? I was starving. I can't even remember the last time I ate. “Which way is the kitchen?”
“That would help huh?” He said sarcastically as he stood up. He started to walk to the doorway at the back of the living room. “It's right back here.”
We walked into the kitchen, and he started the timer on the microwave. After I finished the meal, Chief Swan informed me that we were going to my old foster house to get my stuff and explain what happened. Then he was going to enroll me in school. I had very rarely actually went to school before. Most of the families said they were homeschooling me because they would get more money. I, fortunately, am pretty smart on my own and often picked up things pretty easy.
Going to regular school made me extremely nervous. Most kids my age are very judgmental and mean, and I am the perfect person to harass and bully. I'm sure I could hold my own in a fight, but I didn't want to face any unnecessary torture or judgments. It was usually easier for me to just take this shit than to fight back. On the rare occasion that I did, the consequences were always worse.
I knew I would have to at least attempt going to school, or Chief Swan would definitely send me away, too.
We went to my old residence, and they didn't seem to care at all that I wouldn't be coming back. They actually seemed relieved to know that they wouldn't have to endure my baggage anymore. I gathered my few belongings, and we left.
We made the short drive to Forks High School, and my thoughts were running wild. I was scared of what the other kids would say about me. How bad they would torture me on the first day? I had almost missed half of the day so at least I had that in my favor.
Chief Swan informed me that they allowed him to enroll me so quickly because he was the chief of police. He said he wasn't trying to put too much pressure on me, but he wanted me to try and have a normal life. It didn't matter what Chief Swan attempted because my life would never be normal.
We pulled into the parking lot, and I couldn't move. My fear had shut down my body, and I was certain that not using the Lady Bic to slit my wrists last night was a huge mistake. Chief Swan looked over at me. “Edward, is going to be fine. Just relax.”
Relaxing was easier said than done.
“Grab a change of clothes out of your bag. I don't want you to have to wear dirty clothes on your first day.”
Thank God for small favors. At least now I wouldn't smell on top of everything.
I grabbed a pair of jeans and a long sleeve shirt. I managed to exit the car and followed him to the door. We walked in and luckily the halls were empty. We walked to the front office, and he began talking to the secretary. I was clearly in my own world because I don't remember any of what was said. I was pointed in the direction of the bathroom and went to change. I stayed in there for a long time. I didn't want to come out and face the wrath of the teenage world.
I heard a knock on the door. “Edward? Are you okay in there?” Chief Swan shouted.
Okay? Definitely not.
“Uhhh.... I'm.... I'm okay.” I was lying like hell, but why in the fuck did this have to happen today? Couldn't he have given me at least one other day to adjust to everything before throwing me to the lions? Fuck!
I exited the bathroom, and Chief Swan looked really concerned for me. He put his hands on my shoulders.
“Edward, don't worry. You and Bella are in the same classes. The administration understood the situation and agreed to give you the same schedule as her. This way she can help you with anything you need, and you won't be totally alone. Even though you haven't actually met her yet.”
How did he know his daughter would even want to tolerate me all day? What if she hated me? What if she was the main one to torture me? He said she was a good kid but most parents think their kids are good. Fuck! I hoped he was right or else this was going to be a short stay with The Swans.
“Bella will meet us in the office when this class lets out. I've already spoken with her, and she is more than happy to do this. Let's go and wait for her. Class should be out any minute.”
We went to the office and about five minutes later the bell rang. My heart literally fucking stopped when I heard the bell. I had no idea what to expect, and I was really fucking worried about this whole thing.
I heard the door open and saw a thin, dark haired girl walk in. She didn't look like your average teenage girl. She wasn't dressed like a stripper like most girls. She had on a pair of jeans, a fitting blue t shirt and matching Converse sneakers. Her hair was slightly curly, and she didn't have on much make up but she was surprisingly stunning. I'd never had that type of reaction to a girl. I wasn't sure what was going on inside of me. I wanted to be near her and run from her all at the same time. I reasoned to myself that it was just the nerves of this whole day and not the actual girl.
Chief Swan stood up and hugged her. “Hey Bells.”
So, this was Bella. What the fuck? This girl was the one I was supposed to be with all day? She was the one I had to live mere feet from? Why was this one girl doing these things to me? What is God trying to do to me?
“Bella, this is Edward.” He said as he pointed towards me. “Edward, this is Bella.”
“Hey, Edward.” She said in an amazingly sweet voice. It made me tingle inside. I needed to cut that shit out ASAP. There was no way this was going to work if she kept making me feel like that. I was used to feeling desolate, depressed, angry, lonely but never warm and tingling. What in the fuck is going on with me?
“Ummm..... uhhhh.... Hi.” Seriously? That was the best I could come up with? She was going to think I was the biggest dumb ass on the planet.
“Thanks again, Bells.” He looked over to me. “Edward, don't stress, Bells will take care of you. I'll see you two at home.” And then he walked away.
“So, Edward, are you ready to get going?” She said as she turned towards the door.
All I could manage to do was nod in agreement. I followed behind her and mentally scolded myself for having this type of reaction to her.
“Our next class is American History. It's really a pretty easy class. The teacher just puts up notes on the board and gives you chapters to read.”
I didn't really care what the teacher was talking about as long as she was there with me. Somehow, she brought a sense of calm over me. I still wasn't sure what the hell was going on inside of me.
Bella greeted and waved at lots of people in the hallways. She was obviously pretty popular, and I couldn't understand why she agreed to hang out with a loser like me all day. Everyone in the halls stared at me like I was I was fucking alien. I just wanted to curl up inside of myself and disappear.
We made it to the classroom, and Bella introduced me to the teacher. He gave me my books and pointed to me to my seat. Lucky for me it was right behind Bella.
She turned around and handed me a pencil and a notebook.
“Thank you.” I said softly.
“No problem.” She said in a easygoing tone before turning back around in her seat.
Class started and Bella was right. We copied notes and read a few pages. It was pretty uneventful. Thankfully, we only had two more classes for the day.
Or so I thought, the last class of the day was PE. My worst fucking nightmare; teenage boys trying to show how tough they are by flexing their miniscule muscles in front of girls.
The gym teacher gave me some shorts and a shirt to wear for the period. I walked out of the dressing room and into the gym. I sat on the bleachers with the rest of the class and tried to blend in; not that it was working. The teacher blew the whistle and informed us that the activity for the day was basketball. I've never played basketball in my life and I had to play with all these wanna be super stars? Fuck me! Why didn't God let me die last night?
All the boys ran to the center of the court to get the basketball. I looked over towards the girls area as I walked to the court. I caught a glimpse of Bella who was already dribbling the ball. It shouldn't be a shock that she is good at sports. I'm sure she good at just about everything.
I tried my hardest to stay in the corner of the court behind other players. Hoping they wouldn't even see me. It worked for a few minutes, and just as I was feeling like my stupid plan may actually work.
I looked down at my shoes and soon felt the basketball strike the left side of my head. My vision went blurry, I reached up to grab my head and fell down to my knees. The pain in my head was intense and even worse I had been blind sided. After a moment, my vision returned, and I looked up to see who had thrown the ball.
My eyes met a kid with blonde hair and a stupid, shit eating smile on his face. Who the fuck was this kid?
I knew there had to be something fucked up about this day. The rest of it had gone too smooth. I stood up and tried to regain my composure.
“What's your problem Mike?!” I heard a female voice shout as it grew closer to me. I looked over to the direction of the voice and saw Bella running towards me as she shoved the blonde kid out of her way. Why is she running towards me? These are her friends. She shouldn't be running to help me.
She ran to me and put her hands on my arms, and I felt that stupid fucking warm tingly feeling, again. “Are you alright, Edward?” She said in a concerned voice.
I was speechless. How could she be so concerned with me this quickly? She just met me a few hours ago. Was she really that good of a person? I never believed that people like that actually existed.
“Y....yeah. I'll be fine.”
She shook her head. “I'm so sorry Edward. Mike is an asshole. He thinks making other people look weak will make him look strong. What a loser.” She said as she shot him an evil look. I liked her even more for that statement.
“What's going on here Mrs. Swan?” I heard the teacher yell.
She turned around to face him. “Well, Mike threw the ball and hit Edward in the head.”
He looked at me and looked at Bella. “Get back over there with the girls.” He directed her.
She ran back over to where the girls were, and the teacher told me to sit down for the rest of the period. Thank God!
I was ready for the day to be over. I knew this day would end in disaster. Just like the rest of my life. I can't ever have anything good; it always has to be ruined.
Bella found me once the class was over to tell me that I was riding home with her. We walked to the student parking lot, and she led me to her truck. It was definitely older than all of us, but it had personality. It was bruised and beaten, but she liked it. Maybe that's why she was being nice to me. Maybe she liked bruised and beaten things.
She didn't force conversation on the ride home, and I was thankful. She must have known that today was a very overwhelming day for me. Just add intuitiveness to her list of qualities.
Once we got to the house, we noticed a note sitting on the table by the front door.
Bella and Edward-
Hope you both had a great day. We ran to the grocery store. Be back shortly. Edward, go check out your room. Hope you like it!
Love- Mom and Dad
I was blown away. I had no idea what to expect to find the room. I couldn't believe these people were going out of their way to do things for a kid they barely know. Didn't they know I'm not worth anyone's time or concern? And they were referring to themselves as my mom and dad? Weird.
Bella giggled lightly. “Uh oh. There is no telling what they have done to your room. You better go check it out.”
I hoped she was being sarcastic, and that there wasn't a dog cage for me to sleep in up in the room.
“That bad, huh?” I asked her.
“Sometimes, they go a little over board.” She said as she shrugged.
“Here I go.” I said timidly. I walked up the stairs and into the room to notice they had bought new bed sheets and a comforter. They had also put a TV in the room, and there were a bunch of clothes in the closet that were definitely not mine. I was completely speechless. This day was a fucking roller coaster of emotions, and it was getting to be too much for me.
In the past twenty four hours, I had broken into a pawn shop, been arrested, brought to live with the man that arrested me, started school, met the most amazing girl, been hit in the head by a bully, and been given a real room of my own. How many emotions can I experience in one day? It was fucking overwhelming. Even though I knew I should have been ecstatic about what The Swans had done for me, I couldn't allow myself to be happy.
I knew that the moment I let my guard down and began to enjoy something, it would be taken away from me, and I would be thrown back into the gutter. I needed to come back into the real world and out of the fantasy land that was presenting its self in front of me.
I ran out of the room and into the bathroom. I slammed the door behind me. I rummaged through the drawers and finally found the pink Lady Bic razor. I held it tightly in my hand and sat on the toilet. My hands were trembling as I searched for something to break the razor. I spotted a a hair dryer hanging on the wall. I grabbed it and began to beat the Lady Bic with it.
I knew I was making a lot of noise but I didn't care. I beat the Lady Bic until it finally broke. I pulled the razor out and held it in my hand. I held it between my trembling thumb and index finger. I looked down at the pink scars on my wrists and remembered all of the other times I had tried to do this.
I pressed the razor against my skin and felt the stinging pain as I pulled the dull razor against my wrist.
“Edward! Oh my God!” I heard Bella yell. I looked up at her, and she reached for my hands. Her face looked like she was in so much pain.
Monday, October 19, 2009
I looked at Bella's pained face, and I felt like I was in one of those Lifetime channel movies where the beautiful girl comes in to save the broken boy with no home. Only, this wasn't a movie; this was my life and there was no saving me. These people were only attempting to help me until I turn eighteen, and then I'll be out on my ass, again.
It seemed as if everything around me was moving in slow motion. After Bella's initial outburst, I couldn't hear anything, and it seemed like it took her forever to cross the few feet of space from the door to toilet. I held the razor firmly against my wrist until she grabbed my hands and pried the razor from my grip.
I could see her face, and I could see that her mouth was moving, but I heard nothing. It was pure silence. It felt so weird. I had been busted in my suicide attempts before, but they had never been like this. I could always hear the people yelling at me and nothing was ever in slow motion. I couldn't fathom why being busted by Bella was so different. I didn't know what to make of it and frankly it scared the shit out of me.
I didn't like things being different. I had grown used to things being shitty in my life, and I could deal with it but what I can't deal with is hope and change. I couldn't afford to hope for anything.
My vision and hearing finally came back to normal as Bella released my wrists and grabbed a small towel.
“Edward, Oh my God! I can't believe you....why would you....you scared me half to death!” She exclaimed. She was talking fast and her breathing was erratic. She truly looked panicked, and I just couldn't understand why she was so upset by me. What difference would it make in her life if I died? I'm just some troubled boy her dad decided to bring home from work. I'm no one special.
She turned back to me and wrapped the towel around my wrist. I couldn't manage to produce actual words from my mouth so I just stared at her. She looked directly into my eyes as she knelt down in between my legs. Her eyes were a deep shade of brown, and I felt like I could get lost in them. I had to look away. When in the fuck did I start to notice people's eye colors?
“Edward? Are you okay? Please tell me you are okay?” She said frantically.
“Umm... yeah. I... I'm okay.” I said timidly as I looked down at the towel covering my wrist.
“Thank God.” She said as she sat back on her feet. “Please don't do that anymore. Please?” She sounded like she was pleading with me. Why would she plead with me not to kill myself? Was she just trying to be nice? She couldn't honestly be concerned about my life could she?
“W... what....why does it matter to you what I do?”
She looked hurt by my question, and I couldn't understand that either. “Edward, I don't know much about you, but I do know that you deserve more than you've been given. You are a part of this family now; whether you like it or not. I want to get to know you, and I want you around. So, please don't do this anymore.” She stood up and put her hands on my shoulders, and it made my muscles relax a bit. What in the hell is going on with me?
“I...I... can't make any promises.” I said as I looked back down to the towel.
“Well, just try. That's all I am asking. You're not alone in this anymore. You have us.”
What did that mean? I am always alone. They aren't my family. They are just some people who tried to do something nice that will ultimately blow up in their face. I don't have them. They are a family. I am a stranger. What was this girl thinking?
She put her hand under my chin and lightly lifted my head up to meet her eyes. “So, what do you say we get you bandaged up and go get you settled in your new room?” She released my chin and held out her hand.
I couldn't fucking understand this girl. What was she getting out of this? She had to be getting something. People just don't do nice things for no reason. There had to be some ulterior motive for this family. Why else would they want me here?
I placed my hand inside of hers, and she pulled on it lightly for me to stand up. I stood up, and she released my hand as she reached under the sink. She pulled out some gauze and tape and set them on the counter. I just looked at her as she confidently set up the supplies. She turned to me and unwrapped the towel from my wrist.
“We just need to run your wrist under the water for a second.” She said reassuringly as she turned the water on. She pulled on my hand, but I didn't budge.
“It won't hurt. Well, it won't hurt much. Just for a second.” She reasoned.
I didn't say anything, but I let her pull my wrist under the water. As soon as the water hit it, I felt sharp pains run through my arm and into my chest. I tried to pull back my wrist, but she wouldn't let me.
“See? It's not that bad is it?” She said in a sarcastic tone. I shook my head at her because in all actuality the pain wasn't that bad compared to some of the pain I've been in before.
She cut off the water and grabbed a fresh towel to dry off my wrist. Once it was dry, she grabbed the square gauze and placed a few on my wrist, and then secured it with the tape. I looked down at her steady hands as she worked. This girl seemed so different from other teenage girls I've met. She didn't seem superficial or ditzy. She seemed like she was a genuine person, and I had no idea what she was doing in my life.
“Good as new.” She said excitedly. “Now, let's go to your room!” She turned to the door and began to walk. I reluctantly followed behind her. She must not have known that the new room is what pushed me over the edge.
We walked into the room, and she sat down on the edge of my bed. She patted the space next to her and looked at me. I slowly walked over to her and sat down. Why did she want me to sit next to her?
“See, it's just a room Edward. It's just a small space for you to be you. Don't read into too much. Just accept it for what it is. My parent's are just trying to make you feel welcome.”
Everything she said sounded so simple, but my life is never simple. It's always complicated and painful and full of disappointment.
“Will you be okay for tonight?” She questioned.
Well, it's barely dark outside, and I've already tried to kill myself today. They rest of the night should be easy.
“Yeah.” I said softly.
“Okay, well I'm just a few feet away if you need anything. Even if you just wanna talk. Sometimes talking makes it a little better.” She said as she walked out of the door. She shut it behind her, and I just stared at the back of the door.
This whole day had been a complete mind fuck, and I was tempted to go back in the bathroom and try and find that razor. Although, Bella probably went in a cleared out all of the sharp objects.
I sat on the edge of the bed and held my wrist in my hand. I tried to take Bella's advice and just accept this for what it was; just a space.
I got up and moved the clothes off the bed. I set them in the drawers in the dresser. I noticed some jogging pants, t shirts and boxer shorts. I pulled some of them out and began to undress. I could at least try these clothes on right? They did put them in here for me after all.
I put on the new clothes and they fit perfectly. I sat back down on the bed and laid down. I needed to try and relax and let this day go before the suicide attempts started again. I just kept running Bella's thoughts through my head. “It's just a space for you to be you.” But the question is-who the hell am I? I don't even know. I'm just a kid who was dealt a fucked up hand in life.
I closed my eyes and started taking deep breaths. Not long after, I was asleep.
BEEP BEEP BEEP
What in the fuck is that noise? I shook my head trying to make the noise go away but it wasn't working. I opened my eyes and looked around the room. My eyes finally settled on a small alarm clock on the night stand. That alarm clock was making a lot of noise to be so small. When had that clock made it's way in here, and who the hell set it? I assumed that either Chief Swan or his wife had set it while they were setting up this room. I had never had an alarm clock before. I was always woken up by my foster parents barging in and turning on the lights and yelling at me to get up. The alarm clock was a nice change although, that beeping was quite annoying.
I hit the small black clock multiple times in an attempt to stop the beeping. I finally managed to stop the beeping before I broke the thing. Chief Swan or Bella would have to show me how to work this thing so I didn't have to damn near destroy it every day.
I rubbed my palms over my face and pulled the covers off of me. Having my own room with my own stuff still seemed so foreign to me. I didn't want to accept or like any of it because I knew at any given moment it could all be taken from me. If I actually accepted that these things were mine, it would hurt all that much more when I didn't have them anymore.
I walked out of the door to the room and into the hallway. I kept my eyes set on the carpeted floor beneath me as I walked towards the bathroom. I stopped in mid stride as I saw a small pair of feet with pink toenails. Bella. Everything from the day before came rushing back to me. How she had caught me with the razor and bandaged my wrist and how she had been so nice to me. I still had no idea how to act around her. I could never manage to seem to actually produce words or think clearly when she was around me.
“Good morning, Edward.” She said in a chipper voice. Are people actually happy in the morning? I've never been around anyone that wasn't hateful in the morning.
“Ummm.... Morning, Bella.” I said timidly as I kept staring at her feet. There were too many thoughts going on in my head to actually look at her face. I still got these weird feelings inside of me when she came around, and it was seriously confusing me.
“Were you going to the bathroom? If so, I can wait. You can go ahead.” Here she goes again with the niceness. She really must always be like this.
“I was but you live here. You can go first.” I replied. It was the truth, no matter how much they pretended this was their house. I was just a guest.
“Edward, it's too early to go through this again. You live here too. I told you last night, this is your home now, and we are your family. Accept it!” She said in a stern voice as she gripped my shoulders, and my muscles relaxed. How did she always make me relax?
“Now, you go ahead and do your business in the bathroom and I'll wait. No arguing. Go!” As she turned my body to the bathroom and pushed me towards it.
“Okay.” I replied. I walked into the bathroom and turned around to see her standing there smiling. I shut the door behind me and proceeded to do what she had called “my business.”
When I was finished, I went into the room and got dressed. I assumed I was going back to school today. Which was enough to make me want to attempt suicide right now instead of my usual nightly attempts. I resisted the urge. Going to school again scared the shit out of me, but the thought of being with Bella all day made me at least want to attempt it. I knew I shouldn't be looking forward to being around her all day, but I was fascinated by the way she could make my body relax by a simple touch.
I made my way down the stairs and into the kitchen where I heard everyone talking.
“Good morning, Edward.” Both Chief Swan and his wife said in unison.
“Morning.” I simply replied. I was still stunned that not only was Bella always nice and in a good mood, but it seemed like this whole family was the same way. I didn't know families were actually like this.
“Sit down. Have some breakfast.” Chief Swan's wife suggested to me as she sat down a plate in front of an open seat. I sat down and began to eat the food. Not long after, Bella came down and joined us. I wondered if she had told them about last night? Did they know that I had tried to kill myself in their home? I had on a long sleeve shirt and they couldn't see my bandage. I hoped she hadn't told them. They seemed like nice people, and I didn't want them to blame themselves. Suicide attempts are just a huge part of my life.
We finished breakfast, and Bella informed me that I was riding to school with her. It turns out that all of our classes were together which made me entirely too happy. Was I actually feeling happy about something? I had to cut it out before it settled in. I couldn't get used to feeling happy about anything.
We made it to school, and Bella took me to our first few classes and introduced me to the teachers. The classes weren't terrible, and it seemed that despite my lack of formal education, I wasn't that far behind. The day was going pretty well no one had taunted me or made jokes that I knew of. That was, until lunch. Bella instructed me to sit at her table with her friends which automatically made me uneasy. I could handle being around Bella but all of her friends was another thing.
They were all chatting about a school dance or something, and I sat there eating my pizza. Then out of nowhere I felt something hitting the back of my head repeatedly. I turned around to see what it was and saw that it was that same kid from yesterday that had hit me with the basketball, but now he was throwing tater tots at my head.
“What the fuck?” I said so lowly that I thought no one else could hear it. I was wrong. Bella heard it and turned to me.
“What is it, Edward?”
I turned back to the table. “Nothing.” I didn't want her to get involved again. I couldn't understand why this kid kept aggravating me. I didn't do anything to him and didn't even know him. Why had he picked me?
Then I felt it again, and I just sighed to myself and put my head in my hands. I really did not want to fight with this kid, but I wouldn't be able to stop myself if he kept this shit up. Then I felt Bella push her chair back and stand up. I looked at her as she stomped over to where that kid was sitting. I tried to reach for her and stop her but she was too fast. I wanted to tell her that I wasn't worth her effort. I wanted to tell her to let it go but she obviously didn't care. Maybe she just didn't like that kid.
She slammed her hands down on his table and then lifted her hand up to point at him. “Now you listen here Mike! He has done nothing to you. He just got here and it's hard enough to be the new guy without you launching stuff at his head every day. I'm telling you now, leave him alone or I will get my dad involved and make you life a living hell. Do you understand me?” She shouted.
I couldn't help but laugh to myself a little. She was so small and cute and she had morphed into a bad ass in a moment's notice. The look on that kid's face was priceless. It was like he couldn't believe that little Bella was threatening him. He looked over to me and then looked back at her and just nodded his head. What a pansy. He couldn't even muster up a response to little ole' Bella? Classic.
She walked back over to the table and sat down. She looked at me and smiled almost triumphantly, and I actually smiled back at her. I actually smiled at her. I can't even remember the last time I smiled at anything. It felt almost weird.
“He won't be bothering you anymore. Enjoy your pizza.” As she bit into her sandwich.
I couldn't fucking believe she had actually done that for me. What was wrong with this girl? Why was she so hell bent on defending me? No one had ever done any of this for me, and I was completely amazed.
Surprisingly, the rest of the day went as well as could be expected. That kid didn't even look at me in gym class, and I was thankful. I wasn't sure how much more taunting I could take in one day.
On the way home, Bella asked what type of music I liked. She said something about not making me want to endure her taste in music. Our taste in music was pretty much the same. The emo indie alternative rock music. Somehow, I just related to that type of music. Maybe because it was all about sadness and pain. Those are things I could easily relate to.
We got to the house and Bella suggested we work on our homework together. We sat at the kitchen table for the next few hours and mainly worked on our homework in silence. Every now and then she would ask a random question about me. I was a really boring person and didn't know why she would even want to know anything about me. I'm sure she had a great life before she even knew I existed, and I was destined to only ruin it.
Her mother came home and informed us that dinner would be ready shortly, and that we should clean the table and get ready to eat. I followed Bella's lead and put away our books and papers. She then went to get the utensils and plates, and I attempted to help her set the table although I had no idea how any of this was done. The only time I actually sat at the table with the other families was when they were trying to impress the social workers.
We sat down for dinner not long after Chief Swan arrived home. It was extremely weird to sit down at the table for dinner with a family that actually seemed to love each other and seemed to like me. When did I enter the fucking Twilight Zone? I felt like I was in an alternate universe.
They all ate and talked about their day and what they had planned for the weekend. Then they started with the questions about me. What were my favorite things, and what did I want to do with my life. What life? The only thing I ever thought about doing was dying. I've never had anything to live for. Favorite things? I've never even had my own things so I couldn't very well have favorites.
The questions seemed never ending, and I felt like all of the air was being sucked out of me. It felt like I couldn't breathe anymore. In the middle of the questioning, I stood up from the table and ran upstairs and into the bathroom. I instantly started rummaging through the drawers looking for the razor again. I looked under the sink and in the cabinets, but I couldn't find anything that would even break my skin. I sat down on the lid of the toilet and put my head in my hands. I tried to take deep breaths and regain some sense of composure. I was such a wreck almost wished that they had never brought me here. I wished that Chief Swan had just shot me in that store.
A few minutes later, I heard a knock on the door and my head snapped up in response. Was it Bella? I didn't want it to be her parents. I didn't want to explain all of this to them. Bella already knew, and she was much easier to be around.
“Edward, can I come in?” It was Bella. Here she was again, coming to save me. It's barely been two days and this girl has saved me more times than anyone else ever had.
She opened the door slowly and looked at me with concerned eyes. I simply stared at her as she walked over to where I was sitting.
“Are you alright?”
“Yeah, since you removed all the razors.” I replied in a sarcastic tone. I have to admit, I was pissed that she had gotten rid of them.
She chuckled a little. “Yeah, I did. I'm not sorry either. I want you around, and I don't want to worry about you every time you go in the bathroom.”
She wanted me around? Why? What possible reason could she have for wanting a loser like me around?
Sunday, October 18, 2009
“Edward, I'm sorry my parents were asking you all of those questions. They just want to get to know you. They want you as part of this family.” She sat down on the tile floor and leaned her back against the wall.
They want me as a part of this family? Why? Don't they know I'm only good at ruining things. Did they want their family to be destroyed?
“Are you alright?” She asked in a concerned tone. “You seem like you're in your own world sometimes.”
I try to stay in my own world; in my head. If I bar myself from allowing others into my own world, I can't be hurt when they reject me.
“Ye... yeah. I'm okay. Sorry.”
“It's okay. I know that this whole situation can't be easy for you, but my parents are good people. Just give them a chance.”
“I....I don't know. I don't really believe in people, anymore.” I had no reason to believe in people. All they ever do is use me and then discard me.
“I understand that, Edward. How about we get out of this bathroom, go downstairs, finish dinner, and then we can just hang out tonight?”
She wanted to hang out with me? I know she has real friends. Why would she want to spend her free time with me? It didn't make any sense. Although, the idea of being around her wasn't so bad.
“I don't know. I don't know if I can face them right now. They might start again with the questions.” I couldn't take anymore of their questions. I just wanted to sit alone and not have to think about all the horrible things that had happened in my life.
“They won't. I promise.” She said confidently as she stood up and held her hand out to me.
I reluctantly grabbed her hand, and she pulled my arm lightly. I stood up and took a deep breath as she led me out of the bathroom and down to dining room.
When we reached the dining room, Chief Swan and Renee were still seated. There was still food on everyone's plates and I couldn't understand why they hadn't finished eating while I was upstairs. They couldn't have waited on me to finish dinner? How did they know I would come back down?
“Hey Edward. Would you like to sit down and finish dinner with us?” Renee asked.
They really had waited on me. Could it be possible that Bella was right? That they did want me to be a part of this family?
“Umm... Okay.” I said timidly as I went back to my seat.
I sat down, and we finished dinner in a polite silence. There were no more questions about my life before they found me or about my feelings. I had just met these people, and it was going to take me a hell of a longer longer than a few days to open up to them.
I looked over to Bella and found that she was also looking at me. There was something different about this girl. She seemed to be caring, compassionate, and I wasn't sure why she was wasting any of those emotions on me. When our eyes met, there seemed to almost be a small spark flowing between us. I had never felt anything like that before. I wasn't sure if it was my nerves or the new environment, but I scared me a little.
Bella stood up once everyone was finished eating, and began to collect the plates and silverware. She slightly nodded her head towards me. I assumed I was supposed to help her. I stood up and began gathering the glasses and napkins from the table.
“Thank you, Edward.” Renee said as I removed the glass in front of her.
“You're welcome.” I said so lightly that I wasn't even sure if she heard me.
Once our hands were full, I followed behind Bella into the kitchen. She set the dishes into the sink and instructed me to do the same. We quietly washed the dishes, and every now and then our hands would brush against each others. I was surprised to find that the warm, tingly feeling still flowed through me when she touched me. The water didn't suppress it at all. I wasn't sure what that feeling was all about or how one slight touch from this girl could make me feel that way. I wasn't going to bring it up though. There was no way she could feel the same way about me and I didn't want to ruin what seemed to be my only friendship.
“Thanks for helping me with the dishes.” Bella said as she dried her hands.
“Oh, uhhh.... no problem. Is this how all of your dinners are?” I asked. I had never been in an environment like this before. This type of thing only happened on television. I didn't know that families actually sat down and ate dinner together.
“Most of the time, unless Dad has to work late. Even then, me and mom eat together.”
Wow. I was shocked to say the least. Maybe it was something I could get used to. I would have to if I wanted to stay here.
She walked to the refrigerator and pulled out a couple cans of soda. She turned around and handed one to me. “You still wanna hang out with me tonight?”
Was she serious? What else would I be doing? Sitting in my room alone or trying to find another way to kill myself. I was sure Bella had removed anything that would remotely help my in suicide, other than the bed sheets. She was the only person that seemed to understand that I didn't always want to talk, and she didn't feel the need to fill the silence with non sense chatter.
“Yeah.” I said lowly as I looked down at my feet.
“Great! Let's go upstairs that way we won't be bothered by my parents.” She said as she bounced out of the kitchen.
I followed her to the stairs, and when we made it to the top, she stopped and looked at me. “You wanna go to your room or mine?”
“Umm.... it doesn't matter to me.” I didn't know what she wanted to do. My company could be that entertaining to her. I wasn't the greatest conversationalist. I had basically kept to myself most of my life, and I've never really been able to open up to people.
“Well let's go to my room then. We can watch some movies.” She turned towards her room and opened the door. I hadn't been in her room yet. I had no reason to go in there before now.
She flicked on the lights, and I saw her room for the first time. She had a twin size bed with purple blankets on top. She had pictures of her and what I assumed where her friends plastered all over the walls and shelves. There was a bookshelf in the far corner that was filled with books. In front of the bed was a small entertainment center that held a TV and a DVD player. She had lots of movies lined up on the rack at the bottom.
“So what do you wanna start with?” She asked as she held up two movies.
“What are my choices?” Not like I had any preference or an opinion for that matter. I hadn't been allowed to watch much TV or movies in the past, so anything was new to me.
“Well, we can do comedy or action.” She held out her left hand. “This one is Superbad. It's really funny.” Then she held out her right hand. “This is Troy. It's really long, but it's good too.”
I had heard of those movies but hadn't seen either one. I didn't know which one to pick, but I thought it may be easier for us to just hang out if we were laughing. Maybe then she wouldn't notice how uninteresting I really was.
“Great choice! Superbad it is!” As she turned around and placed the disc in the DVD player. She walked over and turned off the lights but left the door open. “You don't mind do you? It's just better to watch when the lights are out.”
“Uhhh no. Not at all.”
She walked over and sat on the bed leaning back against the headboard. I stood there looking like an idiot. I wasn't sure where she wanted me to sit, and I didn't just want to hop on her bed.
I sat down on the floor and leaned back against the foot board.
I jumped at the sound of her voice. Uh oh. What did I do wrong? Fuck this was over before it got started.
“You can sit up here if you want to. The floor will make your butt hurt.”
This was all new territory for me the tingly feeling, sitting on a girls bed with her, someone actually wanting to hang around me.
I stood up, walked over to the bed ,and sat down next to her. My fucking heart was racing out of control. My body was having all kinds of weird reactions to her, and I didn't know how to deal with any of them.
The movie started, and we sat in silence. The movie started out pretty funny. It was about a group of high school nerds that try to get laid before they graduate. Bella and I were laughing so hard when the kid with the fake ID got knocked out, and the cops showed up.
I couldn't help but occasionally glance at her out of the corner of my eye. There was just something about her that made me relax, and that drew me to her. I didn't understand anything anymore. I liked it better when my biggest worry of the day was how to kill myself. Now I'm dealing with feelings and shit that I thought I'd never have to deal with again.
Once the movie was over, I got up to go to the bathroom. I had been holding it, so I could see how the movie ended.
I came back into her room and noticed that she had turned the lights back on. I sat back down on the bed and fidgeted with the hem of my shirt.
“I can go back to my room if you want. You don't have to keep hanging out with me if you don't want.”
She looked at me confused. “What?”
I was trying to give her an easy out. “Well, I....I just mean....you probably have other things to do than sit around with me.”
“I like hanging out with you. You aren't like everyone else I know. I wanna get to know you better.”
I don't think I had ever heard any of those words directed towards me. Why would she want to get to know a kid like me?
“But if you don't wanna hang with me anymore, you don't have to.” It sounded almost as if she was hurt.
Now I've fucking hurt the feelings of the one person that may actually like me. Fuck my life. I can't do anything right. I didn't know what to say to her, but I knew I didn't want her to think she had done anything wrong. Couldn't she see how big of a fuck up I was?
“No, Bella. It's not that. I like being with you too. I just don't wanna burden you.”
She turned towards me and sat indian style. “Good and you are not a burden on me.”
I was startled when I heard someone knock on the door even though it wasn't closed.
“What are you kids up to?” I heard Chief Swan ask as I turned to look at the door way.
“Hey Dad. We are just watching some movies and talking.”
“Having fun?” He asked.
“Yeah we are.” She responded.
Chief Swan looked at me. “What about you, Edward?”
Since when was anyone concerned with me having fun?
“Yeah, I am. Thanks.” I responded simply.
“Great. Well, your mother and I are off to bed. Don't stay up too late.” As he turned to walk down the hall way.
“Good night, Dad.” Bella said.
I turned back to look at her. She was sitting there in a pair of jeans and t shirt with a huge grin on her face.
“So, where were we?” She asked.
“Uhhh.... I don't know.”
“Oh right! We established that we like being around each other.”
She was right and that was odd for me. I usually didn't like to be around anyone.
“Right. I wanted to tell you..... ummm.... thanks for helping me at school. I'm not sure I could have made it through those couple days with out you.”
“It's no problem. I always stand up for the people I like.” She said in a matter of fact tone.
Did she just say she liked me? I must have heard that wrong. I sat there almost stunned.
“I uhhh..... I like you too.” I said so low that it was almost inaudible.
She reached out her hand and grabbed mine. There was that feeling again. What was going on? How does she continue to make me feel like this?
“Edward, I wanna ask you something. I don't want you to think I'm crazy. Okay?” She sounded unsure of herself and that wasn't like her. All of the time I had been around her she was so confident and strong. What could have her questioning herself?
“You don't want me to think you're crazy? Do you realize who you're talking to? I am the kid that attempts suicide daily. You do remember that right?” I said sarcastically.
She giggled and swatted at my arm with her free hand. “I'm serious. Don't make me laugh right now.”
This must be serious. “Okay. Sorry.”
“I don't really know how to ask this. So, here it is. Do you feel anything when I touch you?” She looked down at our hands.
Really? So, did this mean that she was feeling that tingling too? I had thought it was just me. She couldn't possibly feel it. I didn't know how to respond. If I tell her the truth she would eventually be freaked out and want nothing to do with me. If I lie to her I may never have a chance to tell her the truth. Is it worth it? Should I attempt to open up and let someone in? She seems like a good person. Maybe she wouldn't hurt me or reject me.
“You don't feel anything do you?” As she tried to pull her hand away.
Fuck. I had taken too long to answer her and now she thought I didn't feel anything. I knew then what I had to do.
I held her hand tightly. “I'm sorry. Yes, I feel something.”
I felt her relax and she looked up to my face. “Really?”
I nodded my head. She looked into my eyes for a few moments before she spoke. “Is it like a tingling warm feeling?”
“Thank God. I thought it was just me.” She confessed as she let out a deep breath.
“No. I've felt it too. I've never felt anything like it before, and I thought something was wrong with me.”
What had happened to me? I was telling this girl all of my feelings. I couldn't help the feeling that it was going to blow up in my face.
“Nothing is wrong with you. It's new to me too.”
“What does it mean?” I asked. She had to have more of an idea than I did.
“I'm not really sure. I do know that I like being around you, and I don't want anything bad to happen to you. That's why I hid all of the razors. I don't want you to try and kill yourself anymore.”
I was shocked. Could she be serious? Did she really feel that way towards me? I seriously hoped this wasn't just some game to her.
“I like being around you too. I like how I feel when I'm with you. You're different from the other people I've met.” I confessed to her.
There had never been one person since my parents died that were truly interested in me as a person. No one had defended me like she had. No one had saved me as many times as she had. No one had really cared whether I lived or died.
We sat in silence for a few minutes. Our hands were still clutched together, and I couldn't help but stare in her eyes. You could see all of her emotions through her eyes. My body was still humming with the feelings she had awoken inside of me. I felt like my body was betraying me. Hormones and feelings were flowing through me that I hadn't known existed.
She brought her free hand up and ran it through my hair. It felt surprisingly good, and I leaned my face into the palm of her hand. I closed my eyes and felt the warmth spread through my face. I opened my eyes to see her looking at me. She licked her lips and started to lean in towards me.
What the hell was she doing? Was she going to kiss me? She couldn't.
She was within mere inches of my face and she closed her eyes. Her lips reached mine and she pressed them lightly against mine. I was completely shocked, but I liked it. I closed my eyes and tried to relax. The kiss was nice, and it only intensified the tingly feeling. She pulled back after a minute and just smiled at me.
I had no idea what that kiss meant or what was going to happen after. I liked it, and I liked Bella but what exactly did that mean? Nothing in my life works out the way I want it to and this probably wouldn't be different.