Saturday, October 17, 2009
I went to bed that night completely stunned at what happened between Bell and I. I had thought she was just being nice to me. I didn't know she actually felt anything towards me. When she asked if I felt anything, I thought I was dreaming. I just knew there was no way that this bright, beautiful, confident girl felt anything other than pity for me.
I honestly felt like I was dreaming when she kissed me. I felt like it was some sort of sick game God was playing with my head; that I would wake up any moment and realize I had imagined all of it.
She said that I was different from everyone else. That didn't mean different was good. What did she see in me? What made her believe I was worth her time?
There were so many other guys that had to be better suited for her. There were jocks and rich kids. Hell, anyone with a regular life would've been better.
Instead, she choose to kiss the emotionally retarded orphan that her father arrested.
There was a part of me that thought she would realize overnight what a mistake she had made, and would regret it in the morning. That she would look at me at breakfast, and tell me she wouldn't want anything to do with me.
I seriously hoped that wasn't true because I'm sure I wouldn't be able to handle it.
In the span of a couple of days, this girl had mad me hope and have feeling that I never thought possible. I didn't want to go back to not feeling those things anymore. It was surprisingly nice to feel emotions.
I felt like if I could ever hope in one person it was Bella. She seemed like a genuine person, and I knew that if my hope in her wasn't fulfilled that I would never have hope in anyone else again.
It wasn't fair to put that type of stress on her, but I couldn't help it.
I laid in the bed awake for what seemed like an eternity after Bella and I had said goodnight. My mind racing with the events of the past days.
I knew Bella was only a few feet away, and I wanted to go back to her room. I wanted to spend more time with her. I actually liked how I felt when it was just the two of us.
I wondered what she was doing. If she was unable to sleep too.
I decided against it. I didn't want to ruin what had happened and jeopardize any chance I had of it happening again.
I eventually fell asleep and slept peacefully. No nightmares of the fire. I awoke to a knock on the door. I rubbed the palms of my hands across my face.
“Edward? Are you up yet?” Bella asked from the other side of the door.
I made my way out of the bed, and over to the door. I opened the door to see her standing there in pink plaid pajama pants and a pink tank top. Her hair was messily pulled up, and she didn't have on any make up. She was still the most beautiful girl I had ever seen.
“Good Morning! How are you today?”
I usually didn't understand how people were so happy in the morning. For once, I actually understood how it's possible to wake up and be pleasant. This was the first morning I was happy to see someone on the other side of a door. After the events that had taken place last night, I couldn't help but be happy.
“Good Morning. I'm good. How are you?”
She couldn't regret it too much if she was this happy right? At least I could hope.
“I'm great! Are you gonna come down for some breakfast? Mom always makes a huge breakfast on the weekends.”
This family really did amaze me daily. They all seemed to be kind, genuine people that really loved each other. Until I met them, I didn't believe families like this existed.
“Yeah. Do I need to change, or can I come down like this?” I asked as I pointed to my clothes. I was in the sweat pants and t shirts they had bought me.
She giggled a bit before answering. “Silly, we all come down in our PJ's. You can get dressed later. Come on.” She said as she motioned towards the stairs.
I followed her down to the kitchen. I was overwhelmed by the smell of the food. I could hear Chief Swan and his wife talking. As we entered the kitchen, I heard a “Good Morning, Edward” in unison from them both.
I said “Good Morning” in return, and Bella and I again sat the table for everyone. We then poured orange juice in everyone's glasses. I followed behind Bella as she sat down.
Chief Swan was shortly behind us with plates of food. He brought in plates of pancakes, french toast, bacon and eggs. There was enough food here to feed an army. Bella wasn't exaggerating when she said her mom cooked a big breakfast.
We all began to eat and drink. There were no intrusive questions towards me, and I was grateful. When breakfast was over, Bella and I cleared the table. We finished washing the dishes, and I was informed by Bella that we could do whatever we wanted to do today.
I had no idea what to do. I would probably just sit in my room all day. She certainly had to have plans for the weekend. She couldn't spend it all with me.
I went to my room and gathered some clothes together. It was odd to have a selection of clothes. The Swans had bought me some really nice clothes that I didn't deserve.
I took a shower, and for the first time in a long time, I didn't even look for the razors. I simply showered and dressed. I didn't realize what I had done until I was already out and in my room.
Later on, Bella asked if I wanted to go for a walk with her. It was one of the few days in Forks where it wasn't raining. I couldn't think of anything else I had rather do other than spend it with Bella. If she wanted to go for a walk, I would go for a walk.
We walked around for a while and Bella pointed out things from her childhood. She pointed out curb where she fell and busted her lip open. She showed me the park where her parents used to take her. It was nice to hear about a normal childhood. A childhood with parents that loved her and wanted to see her happy.
I internally hoped that my parents would have been loving parents like the Swan's had been to Bella. Too bad I would never know the answer.
When we returned back to the house, it was almost dark. We had spent the whole day walking and talking, and I didn't want it to end. I felt bad that she had wasted another day hanging around me, but I was being selfish with her. I would take any time and all time that she would give me.
There had never been another person in my life that I wanted to be with as much as I wanted to just be around her. There had never been another person that could calm me, and actually get me to open up to them. It was like I was under a magic spell. Only, this spell wasn't one I wanted to end. Strangely, I liked it.
“Edward, we always order take out for dinner on Saturdays.” Renee began as she held a menu in each of her hands; just like Bella had with the movies. “So, it's either Chinese or Pizza. What would you like?”
Why was she wanting me to choose dinner for everyone? I've never really had a choice in anything, and she was wanting me to choose for everyone?
I looked down at my hands in my lap, and began to fidget with my fingers. I could feel my thoughts begin to jumble in my head. As I started to freak out over something as stupid as what to have for dinner, I felt Bella's hand set on top of mine. She squeezed my hand lightly, and I looked up at her face. She simply nodded, and I was instantly calmed by her simple gesture.
“Uhh... how about Chinese?” I shrugged. They wouldn't have suggested it if they didn't like it; would they?
“Chinese it is.” Chief Swan confirmed.
We all picked out our food, and Renee placed the order. Chief Swan suggested that Bella and I go pick up the food. He handed Bella the cash as we walked out the door.
“Bella, thanks for hanging out with me today.” I said timidly. I didn't know if it made me sound like pansy, but I wanted her to know that I appreciated it.
“Edward, I've told you before you do not have to keep thanking me. I enjoy hanging out with you.”
I wasn't sure if I would ever believe her when she said that to me. I liked hearing it, and I wanted to believe it. It was just really hard to accept the fact that someone truly liked me.
“Are you going out tonight? I'm sure there's a party to go to or something.” I was trying to give her and easy out for tonight. I didn't want her to think she had to spend her day and her night with me.
“Well, being the Chief's daughter doesn't exactly get you many party invites. I was thinking about just staying home, and watching a movie or something.”
It made me happy to hear that she would in close proximity to me for the whole night.
“That's cool. Maybe we could watch the other movie, Troy.”
“I told you it was long, but it is good. Let's do it!”
We picked up the food, and made our way back to the house. I was informed that we didn't have to all eat together on Saturday nights. As Bella and I were gathering our food and drinks to go upstairs, Charlie asked us if we had plans. Bella had told him about watching the movie, and he suggested we all watch it together. She agreed, and I was slightly disappointed. I liked her parents, but I liked her more. I liked my alone time with her. I, however, was just a guest in this house, and pretty much had to go along with whatever they decided.
We all gathered in the living room, and got settled with our plates as Bella put the movie in. The movie was extremely long. It was good, but I'm not sure I could sit through it again. I continued to sneak glances at Bella every few minutes. It was just comforting to know she was there.
It was pretty late once the movie ended. Bella went upstairs to take a bath, and that left me downstairs with her parents. I was getting a drink before heading up to my room when Chief Swan came into the kitchen.
“So, Edward, how is everything?” He asked.
It was such a simple question, and also a loaded question. How would I answer that? Everything was fine for once, and it scared the hell out of me. I was waiting on my whole world to crash down on me. I felt like if I got any more comfortable, they would kick me out; Bella would hate me, and I'd be back out on the streets.
“E... everything is fine.”
“That's good. That's what I like to hear. It looks like you and Bella are getting along pretty well.”
What was he trying to get at? Could he tell how I felt about her? Could he tell how she calmed me?
“Yeah, she's a great girl. I haven't met too many teenage girls like her.”
“She is a great kid. She gets her mother's heart. You can't help but love her. I'm sure if you stick with her at school, you won't have any problems.”
Little did he know how many times his daughter had already stood up for me.
“Well, kid, I'm gonna go upstairs. Don't you kids stay up too late tonight.” With that he turned, and left the kitchen.
I was happy that conversation was over. The last thing I wanted was for him to ask me if I had feelings for his daughter. Obviously, I had feelings for her. I just wasn't sure exactly what they were. I had never felt any of those things before, and I damn sure wasn't ready to answer his questions about them.
I walked upstairs, and the bathroom door was still closed. I assumed Bella was still in there taking a bath. I passed by the bathroom, and walked into my room. I changed clothes into some pajama pants the Swans had bought for me. I changed into a clean white t shirt, and laid down on the bed.
I must have been really tired from the walk, and all the food because I fell asleep quickly.
I woke up to a knock on my door. I looked over to the alarm clock. It was one in the morning. Who was knocking on the door that late at night?
I walked over to the door. As I opened it, I realized it was Bella standing on the other side. She was dressed in some ridiculous pajamas, but they made her look so cute that I couldn't laugh.
She released a deep breath. “Thank God you're alright.”
What did she mean? Of course I was alright. I just feel asleep.
“What? What are you talking about?”
“Can I come in? I don't want to wake my parents.”
“Sure.” I moved out of the way, and flicked on the light.
She sat on the edge of the bed, and looked up at me. Her face looked like she was worried about something.
“Bella, are you okay?” I asked as I sat next to her.
“Yeah. I just had a bad dream about you.”
Great. Now I was giving nightmares to the one girl that liked me. I knew I'd fuck this up somehow.
“I'm sorry.” I didn't know what else to say.
She turned to look at me. “Don't apologize. It's not your fault.”
“Well, it is my fault. If I had never come here, you wouldn't be having nightmares about me.”
She grabbed my face with her hand, and turned it to look at her. “It was not a nightmare. I had a dream that you went into the bathroom, and then I heard you screaming. I raced to the bathroom, but the door was locked. I couldn't get in to help you. Then I saw blood seeping from under the door. I just knew you were dead. That you had finally succeeded, and I would never get to see you again.” She released my face, and covered her face with her hands.
I thought she had dreamed that I was a killer or something. I never thought she had dreamed about me dying. I felt bad that she had walked in that night, and caught me. It was my fault for putting those images into her mind.
“So, as soon as I woke up, I rushed to your room. I had to know that you were okay.”
“Bella, I'm fine. I'm sorry for making your worry about me.”
“Edward, quit apologizing. You have no control over what goes on in my mind.”
“Well, now I'm not gonna be able to go back to sleep. Do you mind if I stay in here for a while?”
Was she kidding? She could stay in here forever if she wanted.
“Sure. What do you wanna do?” I asked.
“Doesn't matter really.” She shrugged. “Wanna just lay down?”
I couldn't believe she was asking me if I wanted to lay down with her. She clearly didn't know that at this point I would do anything she wanted me to. Just to be near her.
As we moved up to the head of the bed, and laid down next to each other on top of the covers, I felt my cock twitch in my pants. I felt betrayed by my body. The second I get a chance to be close to a girl, my body has to be taken over by stupid teenage hormones. I hoped the pants I had on were big enough to hide my problem from her.
We laid side by side, and simply looked up at the ceiling.
I was breathing so hard, and my pulse was out of control. I had never laid in a bed with a girl before. Much less with a girl that had kissed me the night before. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know where to put my hands or what to say. I was completely lost.
“Can you do something for me?”
I had no fucking clue what she was about to ask me to do. It didn't matter. I was putty in her hands.
“Kiss me.” She said softly, and I almost died.
Not only did she not regret kissing me the previous night, but she wanted to kiss me again. I didn't know how to go about it. I contemplated for a minute before making a move.
“You don't have to if you don't want to.”
Was she fucking serious? Of course I wanted to. Once again, my idiotic hesitation, and over thinking caused her to believe I didn't want to do it.
I propped up on my arm, and reached for her face with my other hand. She turned her head towards me. I looked into her beautiful brown eyes as I softly stroked her cheek with my thumb.
“Don't ever think that I don't want to kiss you. That couldn't be farther from the truth.”
She smiled as I leaned down to her face. My heart felt like it would bust out of my chest. I didn't want to fuck this up. I wanted to kiss her like she deserved to be kissed.
My lips finally touched hers, and it felt amazing. Her lips were soft and smooth. I felt her press her lips harder against mine after a few seconds. She brought her hand to the back of my neck and weaved it into my hair. I felt her pull me closer to her as she opened her mouth slightly, and ran her tongue across my lips.
The sensation from her tongue made my mouth and lips tingle. I felt her tongue push farther inside of my mouth, and I began to press my tongue against hers. It was the most amazing thing I had ever experienced. I didn't want it to ever end.
We swirled our tongues with each others', and pressed our lips together until we ran out of breath.
I pulled back as she released my hair, and her eyes were closed. She had slight smile on her face. I licked my lips, and she opened her eyes. I laid back against the bed.
“Wow. That was great, Edward.”
“Really? I didn't know what I was doing.” I confessed to her.
“Well, you could have fooled me.”
She propped herself up on her arm, and looked over at me. As I looked in her eyes, I felt her free hand begin to rub my stomach. I sucked in a breath. I was shocked that she was doing it.
“Is this okay?”
Seriously? It was all new to me, but I liked it.
I nodded my head because I was unable to actually form words at that point. She continued to rub my stomach, and I felt my body react to her in a way it had never reacted before. My whole body was filled with warmth, and all of the blood in my body rushed to my groin. I felt myself grow, and I was hoping Bella hadn't noticed.
She bent down again, and crashed her lips against mine. I opened my mouth, and pushed my tongue into her mouth. I felt her move herself on top of me, and I panicked at the thought that she would feel my groin betraying me.
She laid on top of me, and we continued to kiss. I couldn't believe that this was my life.
A nice, loving family had taken me in; I had my own room; I was in a real school; and there was a great girl that I liked and liked me. It was too good to be true.
Deep down I started to believe that my parents were actually looking over me in this life. That they were the reason that none of my suicide attempts ever worked.
As I laid there kissing the most beautiful woman in the world, I finally believed in one thing. Today was the greatest day I had ever known.