Friday, October 16, 2009
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
My eyes shot open in a state of panic. My right arm was still firmly grasping Bella as she laid with her head on my chest. My pulse was racing, and my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest.
I lightly shook Bella in an attempt to wake her. “Bella, wake up. Someone's knocking on the door.” I whispered lightly into her ear.
She stirred lightly, but didn't fully wake up. I shook her with more force this time, and she finally opened her eyes.
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
She sat straight up in an instant, and looked back at me. “Oh God! Who's at the door?” She whispered.
I shrugged my shoulders and shook my head. My mind was racing out of control. I could only imagine what Chief Swan would do to me after finding his daughter in my bed. I was certain he would kick me out of his house, and he'd probably lock me up. He would blame me for corrupting his daughter, and forcing myself upon her. When in actuality she was the one that initiated everything we had done.
“I'll hide in the closet. You open the door.” She whispered before quietly running inside the closet.
Once the closet door was shut, I went to the door and opened it. I was not ready to face the Chief.
“Good Morning, Edward.” Renee said in an extremely cheerful voice. She clearly had not suspected anything out of the ordinary.
“Good Morning Mrs. Swan.” I quickly responded. My pulse was finally starting to regulate.
“I just wanted to see how you are adjusting. Are you doing okay?” She asked.
She really wanted to talk about me adjusting to the changes? She wanted to sit here and chit chat while her daughter was hiding in the closet?
I needed to rush this conversation along. I didn't want Bella to have to stay stuffed in the closet longer than she had to.
“I am adjusting to everything pretty well. Thanks for asking.”
“Okay, great. Well breakfast will be ready shortly. I'll see you down stairs.” As she patted my arm, and then turned to walk down the hall.
Once she was out of my sight, I quickly shut the door. I raced over to the closet door, and pulled it open.
“Bella, I'm so sorry. I tried to rush her.”
She let out a long sigh, and walked out of the closet. She sat down on the edge of my bed. “That was close.”
“I know. A little too close. What if that was Chief Swan?”
“Why do you always call him Chief Swan? You could call him Charlie or my dad. Why always Chief Swan?”
“I don't really know. After getting passed around from family to family for so long, I learned to be impersonal to the adults that foster me. It's my way of not getting close to them, or allowing them inside. Then with Chief Swan, I feel like he deserves my respect because he is the Chief of Police, and he did bring me here instead of locking me up.”
“I'm really appreciative of what he did for me, and I don't want to mess this up. I don't want to be rejected again. That's why I freaked out when Renee was knocking on the door. I thought it was Chief Swan.”
“Well, I should have gotten up, and went to bed. I didn't mean to fall asleep in here. So, it's my fault.”
“It doesn't matter whose fault it is. If either of them had walked in here, it would have been my fault, and I would have been sent away.”
The look on her face turned very serious. “I won't let them send you away. Just chill out. Nothing happened. No one knows.”
“Maybe, but this can't happen again. I can't risk being sent away. This is the first place I have ever felt even slightly comfortable.”
“You're overreacting Edward. We could have came up with some story to tell them.”
“I don't want to lie to them. You all have already done more for me than most people, and I don't want to risk losing any of you.”
She was trying to rationalize the situation, and make me feel better about how close we came to getting busted, but it wasn't working. She couldn't understand my feelings. She had never lost everything, and been rejected as much as I had.
“You won't lose us, Edward.” Then she lightly kissed my forehead. It was surprisingly calming.
“I'll go to the bathroom, and make sure the coast is clear. Then you can go to your room, and get dressed.”
I walked out of the door, and into the hallway. I looked towards Chief Swan's room, and noticed that the door was open. I couldn't see very far into the room, but I didn't hear any sounds coming from there. I walked to the bathroom, and quickly took care of myself.
I checked the hallway once again on my way back to my room. I opened the door, and told Bella that the coast was clear. She quickly and quietly made her way to her room.
I ran my hands through my hair, and released a deep sigh of anxiety. I didn't want to get caught with Bella. I didn't want to be sent away from there. They were the first real family that had wanted me. I didn't feel like I was a paycheck to them.
I had to make sure that we were never put in that predicament again. Bella seemed so confident that nothing bad would happen to us, but she was an optimist. She hadn't lived the same life I had lived. She couldn't see the truly dark side of life. As much as I liked Bella, it kind of bothered me that she always thought everything was going to be roses and butterflies. Of course, in her life it had been fucking roses and butterflies.
I changed out of my pajamas and into regular clothes. I took a quick glance in the mirror before leaving the room. I was surprised when I actually looked halfway decent. My eyes weren't as puffy as they usually were, and my skin seemed to be a bit brighter. I didn't look so bad after a few nights of good sleep.
I made my way down to the kitchen where Renee was placing all of the food on the table.
"Good Morning, Edward." Chief Swan rang out.
"Good Morning, Chief Swan."
"Edward" Renee began "you really do not have to call him Chief Swan."
"Just call me Charlie. No need for formalities in this house. Chief Swan makes me feel like I'm working."
"Umm okay.... Charlie." It just sounded weird coming out of my mouth. I wasn't sure I could get used to it, but at least he didn't ask me to call him Dad.
"Good Morning!" Bella chimed as she sprang into the room.
"Morning, Bells. How did you sleep?" Chief Swa.... Charlie asked.
"I slept great!" She answered as she looked at me and winked. What the hell was she trying to do? I swear my fucking heart stopped beating. This girl was going to be the death of me. Here I was incapable of killing myself, and she was going to kill me by way of a heart attack.
Bella sat down across the table from me, and started playing footsie with me under the table. I couldn't focus on anything that anyone at the table was saying. The fact that she was showing affection towards me in front of her parents was nerve wracking. She truly did not understand my side of things.
I quickly finished my breakfast, and asked to be excused. I basically threw my plate into the sink, and ran up stairs to my room. She was freaking me out, and I felt like I was getting entirely too close to her too quickly. I needed to find a way to distance myself from her without her actually knowing it. I didn't want to hurt her feelings, but I couldn't let my teenage fucking hormones jeopardize the only good thing that has happened to me in many years.
Yes, she was beautiful. Yes, she was kind. Yes, she makes me think dirty dirty thoughts, but none of that was worth risking everything.
I decided to go for a walk. I didn't really care what I was doing. I needed to be alone, and out of that house. I grabbed my coat and threw it on. I ran into Chie.. Charlie on the stairs, and told him I was going for a walk. He didn't ask any questions. He just told me to be safe.
I guess he knew better than to ask a lot of questions. He knew I was all messed up in the head, and asking one simple question may get him more than he asked for.
I didn't see Bella as I walked out of the front door, and I was glad. I knew if she saw me she would want to come along, and there was no way I could tell her no. She was too nice of a person, but I really needed to be alone.
I quickly walked down the driveway, and down the street until I could no longer see the Swan house. I had no idea where I was walking to. It wasn't like I had any family or friends. I needed time and space to gather my thoughts. I needed to evaluate the whole situation with Bella.
I had no history or experience with anything close to this situation, and I needed to handle it very carefully. What if Bella felt rejected, and lied to her parents about me, and then they kicked me out? What if she didn't stop, and we got caught? There were too many ways for this to go horribly wrong.
After about an hour of apparently walking in a big ass circle, I saw the Swan's house again. I stopped walking completely, and stood still. I wasn't ready to go back in there yet. I could see Bella's truck in the driveway, and I knew she was home.
I remembered the playground Bella showed me where Charlie used to take her to play. It wasn't far, and it was the perfect place to go. I made it to the playground a few minutes later, and found an empty bench to sit on.
I watched the kids playing on the swings and monkey bars, and it made me sad. I was the only person in America that could be saddened by happy carefree kids playing in dirt. I couldn't help it though. I could never remember a time when I was a carefree person. My life had always been so complicated and full of pain. I was envious of these kids who would never be rejected by as many people as I had. I was jealous that they had parents who enjoyed watching them play in dirt. It reminded me of everything I would never have.
Being in that playground also reminded me that I finally had something worth hanging on to. I had finally found a place to call home with good people that seemed to genuinely care for my well being. I couldn't lose it.
I wasn't sure how long I had stayed at the playground, but I noticed the sun begin to set, and I knew it was time to go home. If I didn't get back soon, they would start to worry.
I walked onto the porch, and took a deep breath before turning the knob and opening the door. It was time to face the music. Maybe Bella wouldn't ask any questions. Maybe she would stay in her room tonight. Even though the thought of her warm body snuggled against mine was very comforting, it wasn't worth the risk.
I entered the house, and noticed Charlie sitting in the recliner watching TV. "Hey, Edward. Glad you made it home. Have a good walk?"
"It was a pretty good walk."
"Watching a little football. You wanna join me?"
"Maybe a little later. Thanks."
Son. Did he just call me Son? I had never been called son before. It was very odd to hear. I wasn't sure what to say in response, so I simply walked up the stairs.
I noticed Bella's door was shut, and I was thankful. I walked past it, and into my room. I laid down on the bed; still trying to grasp what Charlie had just said. Did he even know that he had said it? Did he call all kids my age that?
One little word had totally mind fucked me.
One night with a beautiful girl had totally mind fucked me.
I had to get a grip on things before I drove myself completely crazy.
Not long after my mental breakdown on my bed, I heard Renee call out that dinner was ready. I had lost all track of time. My mind was in so many different places.
I didn't want to go eat with everyone. I wasn't even hungry. I knew that it would be rude of me to not come to dinner, so I put my self pity aside and went downstairs.
By the time I made it to the table, everyone was already seated. They were all passing the food around, and fixing their plates. I sat down, and did the same. Their wasn't much conversation that pertained to me. Most of the conversation was between Renee and Charlie.
I didn't look at Bella the entire time, but it felt like she was burning holes into my skull by staring so hard. It was clear that her feelings were hurt by the sound of her voice. She only gave one word answers in response to her parent's questions. I felt bad that she was being so short with her parents when I was the one she was hurt by.
I finished dinner, and began clearing the table. It was clear that doing the dishes, and clearing the table was the kids job. I didn't wait on Bella. I was hoping to finish my part before she could question me.
As I was rinsing the dishes off in the sink, she walked up next to me, and began to breathe heavily. After a few moments of that, she started in on me. "Edward, why in the hell have you been avoiding me all day?" She said through her closed jaw.
I knew she was mad. I could practically feel the anger radiating from her skin.
"I don't know what you are talking about."
She stomped her foot, and poked my arm with her finger. "You know what I'm talking about! Don't play stupid with me." Her tone was very forceful even though she was trying to keep her voice down.
"I really don't know what you're talking about, Bella."
"The fact that you were gone the whole day, and then when you come back you can't even speak to me! Have I not been nice to you? Have I not made it clear how I feel about you?"
"I just needed some time alone, Bella. It had nothing to do with you."
"You are such a liar. I might have believed you until you refused to even look at me during dinner. Explain that."
I didn't want to explain it to her. I didn't want to be the bad guy. I didn't want to hurt her feelings.
"I can't explain that Bella. It's nothing to do with you. It's all me. I'm fucked up in the head. You knew that already."
"Don't give me that crap. You are not fucked up in the head. You are just different, and that's why I like you." She said as she stormed out of the kitchen and up the stairs.
The whole situation was fucked, and I had no idea how to fix it.